From heart to heart, for love shall prevail.

I will put it here for everyone to see, because I think it is time for me to face the truth and reality that I am not a perfect person, though I try to be, but in face, I am just a broken person, picking up the pieces and learning how to not break again.

I had always wanted to quit life many times in my 22 years, so much in fact, I did harmful things, reckless things. I hated life, for life had given me tonnes, acres of shits to face. I also hated life for the hatred people had of the existence of emotions. For when I told people I wanted to die, they did not believed that I would die, and despite I did not die, I still felt hurt that they didn't even care enough to really stop me from thinking about it.

I had faced hatred from a teacher, who told other students that I (and also a friend) were far terrible than H1N1, that we were bile humans, only tempting her patience and test her faith. I can remember them clearly. I can never forget those tormenting years. YEARS of silent treatment, YEARS of not being understood. YEARS of having my family's dignity kicked upon. YEARS of having to endure stupid remarks people had on me, and YEARS of having to cry about it alone. I had only a few friends, and I am thankful that I had them, and still have them, for without them, I would be only a corpse today. And only memories of me living a sad life would remain.

I can never forget the pain that I had suffered. Because this year is the year that all those events struck me hard in the head, and my brain had been functioning quite terribly in the emotion sector. I had had enough to be reminded of those years.

Today I will speak from heart to heart, for I love my family, broken as it is.
Broken is such a terrible word, but rather I see them whole but separated. Why still whole despite my parents' divorce? WHOLE because we are still talking to each other despite the hardships.

I have to do this today, because I don't want to stay inside the closet anymore. I want to be able to talk about this openly now. I am indeed haunted by the memories of my past. Haunted, as in, very haunted. I am spook just by the mere memory of it. I shiver in fear and anger. And I want that to end today. Especially now that I am going to pursue psychology as a major.

Yes, I am now a psychology major student. And I have to fully acknowledge that even a future psychologist feels pain.

I had wished my young sibling to understand that, it was because of her that I chose to keep on breathing. It was because I wanted her to live with me one day, and not make her feel alone anymore. For I had missed her every day without her knowing it. For I had kept my dreams alive because I wanted her to see me as a potential friend too. For I want to make her happy.

And since today I still fail to do so, I will not stop trying. If only she could see.
And the only way for her to see it if she ever reads this.
I doubt she will.

I will never forget the struggle I had encountered before.
Never.
Because you are my sun, sis.
Always my sun.

Book review : The Danish Girl

The Danish Girl - David Ebershoff

Title : The Danish Girl

Author : David Ebershoff

Edition : Paperback (Movie cover)

No. of pages : 310

Goodreads rating : 3.7 out of 5.

My rating : 4 out of 5.

Book synopsis :

It starts with a question, a simple favour asked by a wife of her husband, setting off a transformation neither can anticipate.

Einar Wegener and his American wife Greta Waud have been married for six years, but are yet to have a child. Both painters, they live a life of bohemian languor in Copenhagen until one day their lives are irreversibly altered. The Danish Girl eloquently shows the intimacy that defines a marriage and the nearly forgotten story of the love between a man who discovered that he is, in fact, a woman, and his wife who would sacrifice anything for him.

Set against the glitz, and decadence of 1920s Copenhagen, Paris and Dresden, and inspired by a true story, The Danish Girl is about one of the most passionate and unusual marriages of the twentieth century.

My review :
I've been reading this book to no end. Bought it together with my sister just because we saw the movie trailer. My expectations of it were only a basis from snippets of the trailer, since it is about the psychology and the physical progression of a transgender. I had always wanted to understand them, the way they feel, how their minds work, and believe me, the book made me change my views towards them.

The book settled in Copenhagen in the early 1920s, where Einar Wegener and his American wife, Greta Waud were living in Widow House (as the called it). They were both painters, in which Einar paints landscapes mostly of his life growing up in the bog of Bluetooth, and Greta usually settles for painting portraits of people. I had never once knew that just by a simple request made by Greta that the story begins to set sail into an understanding that I only manage to only observe and not devour.

Lili (soon known as Lili Elbe) was made into a third person by both Einar and Greta. When Greta thought it would always remain as a game, Einar knew that it was something more than just. While reading this book, I began to understand the transition made by Einar, initially judging his personality, but then progressing into me understanding everything about how and why the movement. It took many events that had led Einar to fully convince that he was actually a woman and not a man.

And I think it all began when Greta asked him for a simple favor : fill in the spot for Anna (her model) when she cancelled. After that one simple favor, Greta and Einar has been treating Lili as a third person, only to find out that Einar truly believes that both Einar and Lili can be summoned in and out of the subconscious. This, ultimately led Einar's health to deteriorate and Lili stayed more and more. It is as though Lili has conquered most of Einar, and in the end, Einar was gone forever.

Greta was confronted with a great conflict, and had showed a great tolerance and a show of pure love when she helped her husband into his transition. Before Einar, Greta was married to Teddy Cross who in the end died after a battle with TB. They had a child who died at birth, but even when she was married to Teddy, she had shown great dedication, tolerance and love towards the man she married. I find Greta's character simply mesmerizing in terms of her psyche, and in terms of her sense of humanity.

Throughout the book, I've been very keen in writing most of the details and progression of the book. But, the book is just basically a story revolving only Einar, Greta and Lili. Throughout the book, I even referred to DSM-V and some medical websites to understand about Einar and Lili, which led me to love the book even more.

The book ended with some hints of what will happen to Lili. Even acknowledging the circumstances and her future, Lili had never once regretted her decision.

2016

Happy New Year, everyone!

I celebrated new year in Australia this year, Alhamdulillah. The firework display was fantastic in Taree, and I couldn't be any more thankful, any more grateful for the life that I have now! In fact, I wouldn't exchange it for anything in the world.

 

2015 as a whole has been quite a ride.

I survived college life, and ended my diploma days beautifully.

I attended graduation day with the friends that I love unconditionally.

I went to my first job interview, and succeed in getting a job.

There was a beautiful addition to our family; my brother got married to a wonderful lady.

I was given the chance to go to Vietnam and explore it with my mom and little sister.

I expanded my passion of arts, crafts and books, and along the way, I met new people.

And just last month, I flew to Australia, and voila! Here I am now!

 

I had promised myself to see life as a beautiful thing last year, and that I had achieved. I succeed, and I had never felt so accomplished before. Maybe because before all my goals were unrealistic. I have so many little things to appreciate and thankful in 2015, that I am even more thankful and grateful that the little things I can bring into 2016.

 

Personally, I don't like waiting for a new year to come, because to me, it is just like any other day. Fireworks are common, people wishing a happy new year is common, but personally, that's really not my cup of tea. But that doesn't mean that I am rejecting the idea, no. I find it to be something positive to do that.

 

Back to summarizing my 2015.

For the past years, I have met many new people. Shockingly for me, I succeeded in making friends. NEW friends, to be precise! I had never imagined that I survived until now. Socially, I was always awkward and the odd one out, but the discovery of the counseling world has changed me, maybe not wholly, but a part of me has changed. In 2015, I was confronted by the things that I have changed into. I was constantly reminded just how much I've changed.

 

I don't really like to be reminded, but somehow 2015 was a year that I grew to like the reminders. It gave me hope. It brought light into my life. It gave me a new breath. 2015 has taught me that being broken, being hurt, being in pain doesn't entirely mean that life is ending. Some of the pain simply means that life is starting.

 

So yeah, 2015 was wonderful with its ups and downs.

 

Heads up, 2016. I am walking with you stronger than the past years.

Let's try to love each other, 2016!

A lesson in(of) friendship.

Friendship is a common topic of discussion, and so I am committing myself to that trend, to the commonality. A friend is simply defined as a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual and family relations. (This definition I simply googled, and simply because it fits.)

Through experience, growing up wasn't much interesting for me, especially my fallout sessions with many (and the majority) of my friends were a huge part of my life. Through adolescence, I had learned that friendships are just merely words and never should be taken seriously. My experience of friendship back then had destroyed my beliefs in their beauty, and though I admit that I do have friends (best friends, even) now, the past experiences had never ceased from my conscious mind. It is those occurrences that had shaped my perspectives and beliefs of the cruelty of friendships.

But then I entered college, and only then I had learned the meaning of such friendship that many has eagerly share and be thankful of. In fact, I thank Allah for sending me into college especially after what I had gone through during middle school.

Etched in my memory. - 2015

I learned the power of friendship through many people when I was in college, but most of the time, it would only be just for these two people. Yes, I dedicate this post for them, because without them, I wouldn't be happy and content with the friends I have now. Through them I had learned the true meaning of through ups and downs, and because they had taught me so much about the mesmerizing effects of friendship, I dedicate this specially for them.

They are two ladies that I met during a program, when we were in our first year. And for 3 years, I've observed keenly of their activities, silently smiling whenever I see them together and with others. They are different from the others, I had always thought to myself. Greatly different. They complete each other like I had never seen anyone else complete others.

What amazed me of their bond was they were like sisters from birth. The other understands what the other party is going through. And they only just met in college. I then began to question myself about my beliefs and perceptions of friendship. For as long as I can remember, to me, friendship isn't something that anyone should take seriously. Serious precautions should be taken, but not to be taken seriously. Because to me before, friendship is just a way to manipulate and discriminate people with false hopes and promises. But these two ladies had proven me wrong within just a year.

I have watched them, observed them, analyzed them, and the more I do it, the more I begin to love them. The thought of having them separated, whether it between themselves or from me, makes me sad, but in the end, that sadness grew into strength. Why? Because of these two ladies, I grew stronger day after day. It was the very first time I had felt the warmth that people had always talked about. I find them too special and too precious to be hurt.

You know the biggest lesson that these two taught me? The power to breathe and be a friend. I had never thought that I am able to make friends during my first two semesters of college, but then I began being close with these two. Little do they know, I had longed admired them for their abilities, for their capabilities. I can never get enough of them. I once lost my sun, but I found two suns that gave me the warmth and light after a long period of darkness and frosty days.

These two ladies are amazing. To me, they are diamonds in my life. Hard to find, and very precious. I always quote myself with my own advice : Distance is only a physical barrier, but I know, deep inside, our hearts beat as one. And you know, I find myself becoming illiterate when trying to describe them. Words failed me, because their actions do speak louder. (And truth be told, I grew overly-attached to them without them realizing it. There! Secrets out!)

Dear M & F,

thank you for existing in my life. Thank you for showering me with rainbows, smiles, laughter, tears, and especially love. Thank you for showing me how life matters. Thank you for bringing back my long-lost smile. Thank you for injecting me with the strength that I needed to move on. Thank you for accepting me and my flaws. Thank you for putting up with my personality. Thank you for the lessons. Thank you for showing me how friendship works. Thank you for everything. And I thank Allah always for bumping into you guys in life. The two of you are a gift and a hug from Allah to me. The two of you are Allah's blessings that I can never stop being thankful for.

May Allah bless you and shower you with His love and grace. (Hugs)

Reoccurring resolutions

It is December, and I thought I might talk about one yearly resolution that I've been putting off for many years, which is learning Spanish. Sweats,

 

To talk about failed resolution would be underrated in this post, because this resolution has been in my list for quite a number of years already. In actuality, the only reason it failed was simply because I would come up with a quantity of excuses and quit before I even given it a full month's try.

 

There is something about the language, though. I had always loved Spanish since I was young, but I got the enthusiasm and lust when I started learning basic Mandarin when I was 14 (which was years ago!). But even then, I had never been good in acquiring language skills. Up until now, the only language that I can speak beautifully and smoothly would be English and Malay, which is quite common.

 

Even back when I was in college, the Arabic language was a compulsory subject, and even then, I was able to only grasp the MOST fundamental of the language. Spanish, however, has been a yearly resolution for me. It started back in 2012. But all I acquire is failure.

 

The thing about this failure is that, I am not at all disappointed about it. In fact, I am grateful for this yearly failure. It reminds me just how much I am procrastinating, it reminds me of what I'm lacking, which is effort. And more irony in that, even though I am aware of the problem, I still fail.

 

Maybe one day, I will be able to speak the languages.

Maybe that is why I've made this post.

To add salt to my own injury.

 

Sweats.

Lessons in lectures.

I wrote this, or typed it, when I was in college, I guess after attending a neighbouring class program. And I hoped it will be beneficial to whosoever reads this empty blog, because I guess by reading it myself now, the words act as a reminder for me to stay calm and live.

14/3/2015

In recent time, I have encountered countless questions and requests for advice regarding the issue on intentions and also on challenges. To be honest, I don't think I am fit to be asked these kind of question, because like anyone else, I, too, am still struggling in these matters.

Today, I went to a forum conducted by DPIK 6E focusing on a topic regarding challenges, trials and tribulations. The whole forum was beneficial, because most of what was brought up managed to answer some of the said questions above. Matter of fact, it did not only answered those questions, but it brought some peace into my heart that has been aching for a few weeks now.

As we all know, when we were given this life, challenges and trials are to be expected. They are inevitable. Allah SWT created men WITH challenges to face. Like what Ust Fadhluzaman had said in the forum, if a person has no sins then the person should be dead, because perfection is something only Allah possesses. Allah SWT is indeed the Most Gracious, because He created trials and challenges to create and instill perspectives. In other words, when we are tested by His trials, it is an indicator of our Iman (faith). There are only two ways to react to the trials : i) to accept with and be grateful, ii) to take it and sigh of anguish and sorrow. Besides that, (I feel like writing an essay for an English paper now. Le sigh) it is also said by Ust Fadhluzaman that a person whose life has no trials is a life of disgrace.

In the perspective of a counseling student, we are taught to understand the variety of challenges faced by others. No one suffers the same pain, and our responses to problems are different. By engaging and instilling this kind of mentality, we are able to empathize and sympathize others hence the smooth flow of counseling sessions. As interesting as it is, when talking about trials and challenges or problems, counselors, psychologists and psychiatrists faces double the amount of stress and challenges than that of others. Not that others aren't suffering more, but it is just the fact that when we have clients, the clients' problems become our problems as well. So, the equation goes : Own problems + Clients' problems = Work + Life. But, the thing is, since it is our job and professionalism, we never succumbed into the piled up stress of our work.

Back to the topic. In surah al-Baqarah ayat 286, it is stated that we are tested on what we are capable of. Ust Hizbur had presented this long enough to understand the true meaning of the said ayat (phrase). Humans are special. We are created with a working mind and full awareness of our actions, and that makes us different from other beings. We have hearts that knows what we want and we have desires, but even if you say you know yourself well, there is someone else that knows more about us, and that is Allah. Isn't it obvious? He is our Creator, after all. Sometimes we forget about His powers and His capability for simply anything. We sigh in bereavement, in sorrow, blaming ourselves for our misdemeanor, often forgetting that there is always hikmah (lesson) behind everything. We failed in our study even after months of hard work, sacrificing sleep and such. When this happen, we begin to question many things : What wrong did I done? Didn't I do well enough? Now, these questions are questions that we shouldn't be asking, because we are questioning Allah as to why He did it. But instead, look at the failure as a means to work even harder and to be closer to Him. Through failure, we learn to be stronger and soon immunized. Something cliche : There are some things that we like and want may not be something that is good for us. Why not look at it that way, and bring peace into our hearts?

Everything in life has a reason, and so does trials, challenges and problems. Why question something that is so obvious? Why do we insist on complaining when we can accept it wholeheartedly and work our way towards improvement? Patience is the highest action a person can do. Be patient and determine yourself that by being patient, something beautiful will come. It may not be here in this dunya but maybe in Akhirah.

May Allah SWT hugs us in His mercy and always shower us with His never-ending love.

Our Sun.

We all have that one sun in our lives, and I don't mean the Sun that shines bright during the day. What I really mean is the sun that shines through our lives, ushering us forward and giving us hope to stay on. Sometimes we lose that sun, and thus the darkness looms in our life. That vast darkness persist and making us hard to live our lives.

The sun will always shine brightly.

I had many suns when I was growing up. But through all those sun, I lost my biggest sun. What does this sun means to me? Well, this sun was someone who accepted me when others didn't, she was someone who always cared for me and looked for me during my absence. The time I spent with that sun wasn't long, just a mere two years, but losing her was the hardest.

Even after 5 years, I still call out her name and talk to her in my subconscious mind. Understanding that she is no longer near me is painful, but realizing and becoming aware of the reality made her shine brighter and lightening up my life with more colors. You see, during her presence, she made sure I became stronger before she left, and despite leaving without saying goodbye, I still am alive and breathing.

It's November 2015. For 5 years, I have met many other suns, but nothing can compare to that sun I once had. I guess that's why I love the sun and the sky, because it reminds me so much of her. The warmth and glow that it gives soften my heart, and the humid air makes it easier for me to keep on moving. There is no need to be fearful when it becomes dark, because the sun will come back tomorrow, and it will keep on shining.

Those who left us never really left us. They are forever in our hearts. Always.

Graduation Day

Finally an alumni!

On the 10th of September 2015, I finally took my last leap in my diploma days ie my graduation day. Believe me, the road leading me to this success was treacherous and rough, but alhamdulillah, all praises only to Allah, He helped and guided me to make it through even the toughest of storm.

3 years studying for a diploma in counseling was actually hard for me. It is not that I am not interested in the field, because believe me, I would exchange nothing for this opportunity to be able to study (it may not be psychology, but at least it's something very close!) counseling and learn the steps of what my school counselors had gone through. I found the reason why my school counselors behaved like how they were, and slowly, I almost became them. In a good way, you know. A very good way.

During those 3 years of struggling, I did not just suffered physically, having to deal with being sick far away from my family, and whatnot, but I also suffered psychologically. In psychological terms, I almost did not made it through, you know. In that period of 3 years, I had fallen a lot. I did not stumble or stagger, but I fell and went deep inside a dark hole. I was barely able to breathe and believe me, you have no idea how much tears I've shed and how very miserable I felt during my dark days.

I sound depressed; maybe I am, but I survived every step of it. There was one time during my third semester that I suffered a terrible anxiety attack that has caused me to be severely depressed. Those days were not known by anyone, and I feel like I need to share it with the world, because denying that it happened would be only causing pain than relief. I believe that there was a reason to that terrible breakdown. It had caused me to lose interest and focus, and I spent many days isolating myself from my friends and housemates. The thing was, I had made such many wonderful friends at college that despite them not knowing anything, they had given me enough strength to let me get a grip of myself and to continue living. I thank them for that.

After 3 years, I am able to understand the fundamentals of the human psychology, and slowly emphasize myself to becoming, acting and thinking like a counselor. I had changed my perspectives in many things. I was always told that I was a pessimist, and despite I still have some thoughts that aren't good, I am still walking and trying my best to survive each and every day.

I am a counseling diploma graduate, and when others see us learning counseling to counsel others, we are actually learning to define ourselves first. 3 years of studying counseling, 3 years of enduring pain, heartbreak, disappointment, frustration, sadness and joy. 3 years were spent learning and researching about all these emotions. 3 years were spent learning about my flaws, learning the reason why I act the way I act. 3 years were spent soul searching and 3 years were spent awesomely exiting the dark tunnel from the past.

Graduation day isn't only a celebratory event for accomplishing 3 years of studies, but it is also a day of congratulatory for us achieving a new phase of life. A new perspective of life that the old us had never knew existed. Supposedly, these 3 years were years that should be etched and cherished for eternity.

Ah! I am rambling.

Brother. And wife.

Complete.

Almost everyone know how close I am with my brother. I had spent most of my time growing up being with him, always being by his side and looking up to him in many ways. It is not that I am not close with my other siblings, but most of it was actually spent with him.

When I was a little girl, at around the age of 6 or 7, he was the one who taught me how to ride a two-wheeler, abandoning my third wheel. It was the best feeling ever, being able to achieve something for the first time. I remember running to the kitchen and told my mom about it, and went back outside to play with my brother. At that time, we usually go outside to play, me on the bicycle, my brother on his roller blade, and my sister... Well, she was still a baby at the time.

Then, at the age of 9, he brought me into the realms of online gaming. Ah. I remember our first online game, it was Dragon Raja Online. I, as per usual, played the priest while he played thief. And our outside days seem to disappear just like that. Haha. I guess we are geeky brother and sister. Then he introduced me into many other games, like Gates Of Heaven, Knights Online, and so on. We spent most of our time in DRO or in Ragnarok Online.

Sometimes he would just bully me in-game, and sometimes also he denies that I was his little sister while in-game, which is hilarious, to be honest, when I think back about it now. It was ridiculous how much time we spent just with games. He was also the one who introduced comedy, like Whose Line Is It Anyway?, The Big Bang Theory and so on. He introduced many things to me, like his love for music. I remember trying to learn how to play one of his songs on the piano (and I still fail up to this day) and from that moment onward, he would still play the piano, ask me to record for him sometimes, and sometimes just shares videos with me.

Photo credit : The MYTP

Many things I have shared with my one and only brother, and he is irreplaceable by so many means. I sound like an overly-attached little sister, because I am. I don't mean to sound so mushy-mush, but I am not ashamed nor embarrassed of the reality of this, and I could really tell this story any other day, but today is a special day, and I will tell you why.

24th of July 2015.

Today, my brother is successfully a married man. Married to a beautiful and marvelously awesome lady, and thank Allah for granting him the happiness to be married to the woman that he loves dearly. It is remarkably not weird if I didn't get emotional on this very day, because my brother is an awesome man. Despite everything, he is still standing and the same brother that I know and love.

Photo credit : The MYTP

Today my beloved brother will embark onto a new world filled with new responsibilities and today he is no longer a single man. He now has a wife that loves him dearly, and a new set of family. With his solemnization ended just now, he now is a husband, but forever he will be my brother. A brother that I look up to, a brother for me to love and care. And to top it off, this brother of mine introduced a new wonderful person into our lives, and now I am able to call her my beloved sister-in-law. A person who had successfully brought happiness and contentment into my brother's life. And with that said, praise to Allah for this moment. For all the moments.

Congratulations, abang! And welcome to the family, kak Sue!

We all love you both a lot, and your happiness means a lot to us. May Allah bless and shower your marriage with grace and love, and may your love of each other bounds together to go hand in hand towards Jannah. I love you both, and I really mean it.

Sincerely,

your overly-attached little sister.

Book review : Gone For Good

Gone For Good - Harlan Coben

Title : Gone For Good

Author : Harlan Coben

Edition : Paperback

No. of pages : 383

Goodreads rating : 4.09 out of 5

My rating : 4 out of 5

Book synopsis :

Will Klein lost his brother and the love of his life on the same day. Eleven years ago, Will's ex-girlfriend was found brutally murdered. The prime suspect : Will's brother, Ken. With overwhelming evidence against him, Ken disappeared and his family believed he was gone for good.

Over a decade later, Will is still convinced of his brother's innocence. And when the new woman in his life disappears, Will is pulled into a dark and violent mystery. He can feel himself coming closer and closer to a terrible secret, a secret someone will do anything to keep buried. And, as the lies begin to unravel, Will uncovers startling truths about his lover, his brother and even himself...

My review :

When I first picked up this book, I had expected it to be like any other crime-based book : There's going to be an obvious protagonist, an obvious antagonist and an obvious crime and story-line. I had expected reflection from either the protagonist or the antagonist, but this book went beyond my expectations. In fact, it made me pace my room with excitement and anticipation.

"He's alive."

Those were her exact words. And if they were true, I didn't know if it would be a good thing or bad.

Harlan Coben is indeed the King of plot twist, and indeed, this book really is worth its wonderful reviews from people. With every turn of events, I held my breath and my mind was filled with many expectations, but Coben wonderfully created a plot that I can never in my right mind can think of. This book focuses on Will Klein and the mysteries of his past that involves his brother, Ken Klein.

A decade passed, and Will is still certain of the innocence of his brother, until his current girlfriend was also murdered. (Sorry, a small spoiler.) To be painstakingly honest, I never really had a closure for the bond of Julie Miller and the Ghost. I was a little bit disappointed on the method of revelation towards the ending of the book for I had expected some more action-filled revelation kind of thing. (I am a fan of action filled stuff, you know.)

But then again, this book really did challenged me in my knowledge of psychology and criminology. I had tried to really involve many kind of theory, practicing my own understanding, but I had failed in many ways for this book. I understand that the Ghost is, well, like his name due to his upbringing, but the plot twist made me speechless and just gasp in awe at the magnificent way Coben led the plot. It is challenging indeed!

What made me really love this book was when Will found a really crucial evidence from the Julie Miller's case. From then on I began to change my perspective about many characters. Judging my own judgements, and in the end, the character that I had despised from the beginning began to change into my favourite character.

WORK!

So, here's an update from my life!

It's my second week of work, and boy, it feels different from my practicum days.

My current job is something far from counseling, but it's a start. I guess.

Honestly speaking, I am feeling impatient somehow with my job. Maybe it differed so much from counseling or teaching that it made me feel like crying. Yes, I did hope I got a job in the field of education or administration, but Allah has written that life would go in this path for me.

My job description would be to assist my employer and help with sales. I also help out with a few tests and assessments and stuff like that. It's completely new for me, and to be honest, I don't feel like I am being beneficial. The only downside at the moment would be I find it hard to find the correct time to stop and pray or to even find a decent spot to pray, since the pantry room is always packed with stuff (Yes, the company is still brand new!).

Maybe I'm just being too impatient at the moment. I should really learn to hold it all in and be stronger! I still miss teaching, though, so I might consider teaching tuition. I should start looking for some teaching jobs, since I do not know when will I start to further my studies.

Keep on smiling, lovelies!

Speaking of furthering my studies, I should start applying to some universities now, but I am completely blank on which. I am still considering whether to continue with counseling, or pursue in psychology. I even considered going into education, like Teaching English as a Second Language (TESL) or maybe go into Counseling (Education). I also had thought about furthering into the realms of linguistics.

Ah. I have many things to sort in my life, don't I?

But, I won't quit. Never.

I still believe that I can be a clinical psychologist. Let's hope for the best and ask from Allah!

Everything comes from Him, and to Him we shall return! Happy grin.

And PS : It's almost the end of Ramadhan. Time flies so fast, doesn't it? And also, my convocation day is getting near! Smiles.

Interview.

I just got my first job interview after almost two months of being unemployed. Ah, the nerves! In reality, this isn't my first job interview. This is my second interview, and it is for a position that differs so much from my true nature, but it is best to learn something new, right?

To be honest, before the interview, my life was pretty bland. Nothing is exciting, and everything felt so out of place and so depressing. I guess I am really just the kind of girl who doesn't like to be inactive? Who knows. But that's how life was. The news of this job interview brought joy into my heart, knowing that this would be a chance to start anew and refresh. It is my first real job, and I swore to myself that I would try my best in it.

Unless you count being a trainee counselor as a job, I really don't have any working experience. After 3 years of studying counseling stuff, I had seem to cluster my mind only into the world of counseling, not giving it a chance to taste something outside of it. Which is pretty ironic, you know, since I am always the one who preaches and rambles on and on regarding people who did not widen their gaze and widen their scopes and interests.

Ah. I just hope this interview would go well. Because I will try my very best, far better than before. And yes, short update. Huzzahhhh!

Hospital stays

You know the thing about hospital stays for me?

It makes me reminisce the times where I took care of my late grandma. It was painful and sad to remember but other than that, it reminds me of how awesome nurses, doctors and everyone who are working in the medical field are.

Whenever I am staying at the hospital, whether for visiting purposes or to take care of someone, I would always make time to sit alone at the waiting area or go wander around in the wards and observe people. Hospitals are a nice place to observe people, because only there we are able to see people at their most vulnerable state.

I always like going to the hospital (mainly because I wanted to be a psychiatrist and work in hospitals -- but that ain't gonna happen now though), because there are so many people there. I love being in places with people, but hospitals are the best. Not because of the sick people, but just because of the pureness of the environment.

Hospitals can be very hectic sometimes (I think it would be all the time for the staff), but it is also a place to find solace -- well, that's how it is for me. You see, there's something unexplainable about hospital stays. I find it like a remedy for a broken heart, a broken soul, a broken spirit. In all my (little) experience of having to be at the hospital, I always come out from it with a higher sense of awareness about humanity.

I remember this one time I met an old lady who was at the hospital for her dialysis, and she was waiting for her son to pick her up. There was something in the way she talked that made me feel like life is all about appreciating everything, even the bad parts of it. And then while we were talking, there was this one staff who joined in as well. You see, there's nothing to be negative about when being in hospital.

There was also this one time when I was sitting outside alone, reading. It was quiet at the time, and I just needed some fresh air and some alone time. My mind was racing with thoughts, and I couldn't focus reading. At the time, there was not an atom of positivity inside my head. And then I looked around me, and I saw people with crutches, people with bandages, and there they are, still smiling. Still able to joke around and laugh.

Then I realize that life is how I perceive it to be.

Being at the hospital always reminds me about the little things in life. About being there for people. Being warm and loving. Being a person to another person. A person who shines the light in the life of others.

To all the medical staff, and hospital committee, thank you for shining us with the light of hope. Thank you for taking care of us, not only medically, but psychologically. Thank you for instilling positivity into our lives, changing our views into a wider vision and continuously giving us something to hold on to. When you're feeling tired of your work and job, remind yourself that you guys had given me a reason to keep on moving. A reason to still walk on this Earth and learn to shine for others just like how you had shined my life and gave it another breath.

PS : This is also goes to you, kakak. Congratulations on becoming a doctor, and hopefully you would be able to be a doctor for the Ummah as well!

Ho Chi Minh Trip II

I'll just let the pictures tell the story in this post today! And oh, I recommend Vietnam for your next trip! Hurhur! And no, it is not arranged in chronology. Too lazy to do that!

Inside the General Post Office.

The Cathedral, I think?

Free coconut drink after spending time at an island.

I love the food here; Out of this world!

Dusk. Well, I think so.

Urm. The opera house was it? Can't remember.

Community Hall.

The Cathedral again!

Again, inside the Post Office.

This park was beautiful!

The door was nice?

Hey, it's Ho Chi Minh city!

My mom's request.

Again. And oh, that's our tour guide's backside.

The cathedral was too beautiful to resist.

Mekong River

Mekong River

Mekong River

It was like a camp something.

Honey, honeycombs and warm tea. Delish!

Tadaaaaa~~

Post Office again. HAHAHA

Unicorn Island, I think that's the name?

We thought the building was beautiful.

Ah, Vietnam's sky.

Inside Ben Thanh Market.

Driver on the left!

Simply beautiful.

And voila! Not many pictures, but hey, there's my HCM update! Adieu!

Ho Chi Minh trip

It has been a wonderful 6 days trip to Ho Chi Minh (for a non-shopaholic like me, 6 days is really too long, since we didn't manage to venture farther beyond Saigon).

The thing about Ho Chi Minh was, I felt at home. To be honest, this wasn't the first time I went international. I went to Australia for a few months after SPM (this, I will talk about sooner or later), and it felt great to be out of Malaysia and expand my views of the world.

Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam.

I went there with my mom and my little sister. It was somewhat a birthday gift for my mom, and I had to be the tour guide. Speaking of tour guide, choose wisely. I had a great tour group. Well, it was supposed to be only us 3, but somehow the plan changed when we were invited to join into another Malaysian group. It was awesome though. I quite enjoy it.

The people of Saigon (Ho Chi Minh) really knew how to speak Malay. It was a shock to me, to be honest, at how well they can pronounce each word. Though some managed to get into Malay because of frequency, some manage to understand the language as a whole. It made me feel not far from home.

What I liked the most about Ho Chi Minh was the weather, the atmosphere and the coffee. Since I'm a coffee addict, my mom had to buy a few brands of Vietnamese coffee just for me. And to be honest, whenever she found any awesome coffee, she will automatically buy some for me, because I just love love love them! The weather there was nice. It rained once in a while, but it wasn't humid and yet the weather wasn't too cold. It was cool enough for me to enjoy every walk.

Another thing would be, I just love the architecture. Unlike Australia, I found the historical monuments and buildings in Ho Chi Minh to be very pretty and beautiful. They were created with such details, such craftmanship that I cannot help but to adore and be mesmerized. I even went twice to each building because it made me feel like as if the building is a part of my life. And it is now!

Our tour guides brought us to Cu Chi Tunnel. It was like a military place, or something. (I'm sorry, but I am really bad at remembering historical places. I can remember the name well, but not the story.) I enjoyed going there, but I am not a jungle person because insects creep me out. We also went to Mekong River and headed to -- I think I heard the name right -- Unicorn Island. It was an island adjacent to the port, and it took us only around 5 minutes to get to the boat port. And when I mean boat, I really meant sampan. As a person born in Borneo, sampan is something normal, but there was something different about the ride for me at the time.

I remember being mesmerized by that sampan ride. We were surrounded completely by only beautiful trees that I had never seen before -- or hard to see. I can still remember the joke that my tour guide told us before we went on our sampan ride : Unlike any other places where they have traffic jams on roads, we have traffic jams on this very river! Be very prepared for a massive hold-up!

It cracked us up, but it was true. We came across a standstill. It was hilarious, to be honest. After that, we went into the island and we get to taste the many wonderful tasty fruits on the island. I even bought some honey there, because it tasted so good! The island wasn't that big, but huge enough for us to venture. They even sold some souvenirs, some coconut candy (which is my favourite!) and other stuff. It was really awesome to be there, but mainly because we get to drink pure tea and taste some honeycomb honey!

Another thing that fascinated me was the position of the driver's seat. Haha. I know it's petty, but it was the first time I came across a left driver. It made sitting in the car or bus very awkward. The thing about HCM's traffic, there are more motorcycles rather than cars. Traffic jams aren't caused by cars, but rather, they are caused by motorcycles. It was a rare sight indeed!

6 days was awesome for me. Except, as I do not enjoy shopping, shopping places bore me. I enjoyed walking around Saigon, sitting at the park and watch people pass by. I simply enjoyed the views that I got from HCM.

Indeed, one day, I might go back there!

(And no, no pictures -- yet! Still too lazy to transfer any into my laptop!)

Pre-vacation

That face, though!

I'll be heading to Ho Chi Minh for a 6 days trip with my mom and little sister tomorrow. It has been awhile since we went on a vacation to a distant land, and alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah, He gave us the opportunity to go and see the world of Vietnam.

I always enjoy traveling, and I always try to enjoy it as much as I can despite my kill-joy personality. People usually dislike bringing me to go on a shopping trip or any other trip because I never enjoy it. Let's just hope my mom and little sister won't get bored with my pestering and bossy behavior during this trip. Grins.

Can't wait to go there, to be honest. I want to study the culture of other places. I've been to Australia, and now I am granted a blessing to go to Vietnam to study, see and experience their lifestyles. I envy those who get to travel a lot, because they not only get to be in new places a lot, but they get to experience a lot by traveling.

Lessons will always be learned while traveling.

Can't wait to get mine!

Biidznillah! May Allah bless our trip!

Feliz cumpleaños

Feliz cumpleaños a mi.

This date today is an anniversary of my birth. The day I came out from my mother's womb and finally able to see the world, after 9 months living inside of my mom. Sounds gross to those with a weak stomach, but that's the reality of it.

I am never a fan of celebrating birthdays. In fact, I find being alone on a birthday is much more satisfying than having a feast or any kind of celebration. I am a joy-killer by nature. I do not enjoy social gatherings, though I always love to watch society works. It's just how I was raised. I had been a loner for as long as I can remember, and though solitude can sometimes be scary, but it brings more calm than calamity.

The sky always makes me feel better.

What makes this year's birthday different?

This is the same question I ask every year on this date, and up until now, the answers are always the same : Nothing. Except I've grown a little, but am I growing up?

I find birthdays as a means to ponder about the purpose of life. And being as jobless as I currently am at the moment, the answers to all those pondering are really depressing. Being born into this world means we should do something in it. For all I know, my time on this world may be short. That's not for me to decide, but I have full control on what I can do to fulfill my time.

This year I'm turning 21. Ah. The ripening age of 21.

I am neither a teenager or an adult; I'm in between. 21 of age, and I am still thinking about many things. But everyone knows that I always over-think about everything (thus, my sometimes insomnia problems). I do say, though, that in this way, I am different from others. And I would definitely not change how it is.

23 May.

Today I thank many people in my life for molding me into what I am today. Though I still struggle with my own racing thoughts and doubts, I am still alive with the help of the encouraging words of others. No man is an island, my school counselor used to advice me. At 21 of age, I still have a dream to chase. I've questioned myself a lot about that dream, not because I don't believe in myself, but rather the question goes whether as to why in the first place I implemented that dream into my life?

You see, birthdays are a day where we question our progress and looking at our charts of advances in life. It is a day filled with endless thoughts on how to improve, how to avoid further mistakes, how to not repeat mistakes, how to be better. Most importantly, it is a day where we begin to appreciate time even more than ever. It is a day where our whole life would flash in front of us and we begin to learn to smile remembering those memories. Some memories might even make us shed a tear or two, but on this very day, through those tears, you thank Allah for giving it to you.

I believe everything happens for a reason.

I believe everyone is special and unique in their own ways.

And I have this one dream :

I want people to see that they are special and unique, flaws and all.

And that, my friend, are my thoughts on this very day today.

23 May. Happy birthday to me. Feliz cumpleaños a mi.

Happy Teachers' Day

16 May.
Teachers' Day. Just like Mothers' Day, I think everyday is a day to appreciate them. Every single day is their day.

I find all my teachers (including my lecturers) extraordinary. They managed to create serenity in any calamity. They had taught me the meaning of patience, the meaning of to keep moving, to keep on believing. Being a student as I was before, I now finally understood why my teachers do what they did. I have my teachers to thank for everything.

People think that being a teacher is easy, but it is not. They're not just teaching our children, but they are helping us to mold them into bright figures for the nation's future. For the world's future. They act as our secondary parents, enlightening us with meaningful humors filled with a lifetime worth of lessons. Their words may pierce our hearts once in a while, but believe me, every stab of their words leaves a mark that will eternally etched in our hearts.

And I find it is awesome that we have a specific day for them, a specific day for us to show them our gratitude, because in any other days, we are just too ignorant and too selfish to do that. So, on 16th May, every year, I thank my teachers for all the life lessons, for the supports, for the love that they had given me. For without them, alongside my family, I wouldn't be the person I am today.

Selfishness always brings great outcomes

Everyone have that one teacher who managed to break into their hearts and change them into the person they are today. I am not excluded. As we grow older, we begin to appreciate them more and more because we are learning a lot with each step and with each step their faces just pops up in our minds. Alongside our family, teachers have this unique and special ability that enables us to be a beneficial person. Despite the heartbreak that they have to go through each day, teaching us endless mathematical formulas, conducting scientific experiments, encouraging us to be bold and do public speaking and et cetra, they still believe that we can be a person far better than they are.

I can boldly say that, if my teachers hadn't done what they did before, if they hadn't supported me when I had enough of life, then I know I won't be the person I am today. They soften and tamed my heart and made me look at life in a different perspective. I am grateful and thankful because of that.

They are annoying, but that's their job. We can't blame them. We just need to remember that teachers are not miracle workers. They are not angels, but they're humans just like us. And, I can not emphasize this enough, they have their own personality, their own flaws. It is plausible enough for them to try and mold us into wonderful people that we are today.

Appreciate, love and cherish your teachers. They sacrificed their everything to make us into wonderful somethings. Thank you, teachers.

Thank you for everything. Smiles.