A lesson in(of) friendship.

Friendship is a common topic of discussion, and so I am committing myself to that trend, to the commonality. A friend is simply defined as a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual and family relations. (This definition I simply googled, and simply because it fits.)

Through experience, growing up wasn't much interesting for me, especially my fallout sessions with many (and the majority) of my friends were a huge part of my life. Through adolescence, I had learned that friendships are just merely words and never should be taken seriously. My experience of friendship back then had destroyed my beliefs in their beauty, and though I admit that I do have friends (best friends, even) now, the past experiences had never ceased from my conscious mind. It is those occurrences that had shaped my perspectives and beliefs of the cruelty of friendships.

But then I entered college, and only then I had learned the meaning of such friendship that many has eagerly share and be thankful of. In fact, I thank Allah for sending me into college especially after what I had gone through during middle school.

Etched in my memory. - 2015

I learned the power of friendship through many people when I was in college, but most of the time, it would only be just for these two people. Yes, I dedicate this post for them, because without them, I wouldn't be happy and content with the friends I have now. Through them I had learned the true meaning of through ups and downs, and because they had taught me so much about the mesmerizing effects of friendship, I dedicate this specially for them.

They are two ladies that I met during a program, when we were in our first year. And for 3 years, I've observed keenly of their activities, silently smiling whenever I see them together and with others. They are different from the others, I had always thought to myself. Greatly different. They complete each other like I had never seen anyone else complete others.

What amazed me of their bond was they were like sisters from birth. The other understands what the other party is going through. And they only just met in college. I then began to question myself about my beliefs and perceptions of friendship. For as long as I can remember, to me, friendship isn't something that anyone should take seriously. Serious precautions should be taken, but not to be taken seriously. Because to me before, friendship is just a way to manipulate and discriminate people with false hopes and promises. But these two ladies had proven me wrong within just a year.

I have watched them, observed them, analyzed them, and the more I do it, the more I begin to love them. The thought of having them separated, whether it between themselves or from me, makes me sad, but in the end, that sadness grew into strength. Why? Because of these two ladies, I grew stronger day after day. It was the very first time I had felt the warmth that people had always talked about. I find them too special and too precious to be hurt.

You know the biggest lesson that these two taught me? The power to breathe and be a friend. I had never thought that I am able to make friends during my first two semesters of college, but then I began being close with these two. Little do they know, I had longed admired them for their abilities, for their capabilities. I can never get enough of them. I once lost my sun, but I found two suns that gave me the warmth and light after a long period of darkness and frosty days.

These two ladies are amazing. To me, they are diamonds in my life. Hard to find, and very precious. I always quote myself with my own advice : Distance is only a physical barrier, but I know, deep inside, our hearts beat as one. And you know, I find myself becoming illiterate when trying to describe them. Words failed me, because their actions do speak louder. (And truth be told, I grew overly-attached to them without them realizing it. There! Secrets out!)

Dear M & F,

thank you for existing in my life. Thank you for showering me with rainbows, smiles, laughter, tears, and especially love. Thank you for showing me how life matters. Thank you for bringing back my long-lost smile. Thank you for injecting me with the strength that I needed to move on. Thank you for accepting me and my flaws. Thank you for putting up with my personality. Thank you for the lessons. Thank you for showing me how friendship works. Thank you for everything. And I thank Allah always for bumping into you guys in life. The two of you are a gift and a hug from Allah to me. The two of you are Allah's blessings that I can never stop being thankful for.

May Allah bless you and shower you with His love and grace. (Hugs)

Reoccurring resolutions

It is December, and I thought I might talk about one yearly resolution that I've been putting off for many years, which is learning Spanish. Sweats,

 

To talk about failed resolution would be underrated in this post, because this resolution has been in my list for quite a number of years already. In actuality, the only reason it failed was simply because I would come up with a quantity of excuses and quit before I even given it a full month's try.

 

There is something about the language, though. I had always loved Spanish since I was young, but I got the enthusiasm and lust when I started learning basic Mandarin when I was 14 (which was years ago!). But even then, I had never been good in acquiring language skills. Up until now, the only language that I can speak beautifully and smoothly would be English and Malay, which is quite common.

 

Even back when I was in college, the Arabic language was a compulsory subject, and even then, I was able to only grasp the MOST fundamental of the language. Spanish, however, has been a yearly resolution for me. It started back in 2012. But all I acquire is failure.

 

The thing about this failure is that, I am not at all disappointed about it. In fact, I am grateful for this yearly failure. It reminds me just how much I am procrastinating, it reminds me of what I'm lacking, which is effort. And more irony in that, even though I am aware of the problem, I still fail.

 

Maybe one day, I will be able to speak the languages.

Maybe that is why I've made this post.

To add salt to my own injury.

 

Sweats.

Lessons in lectures.

I wrote this, or typed it, when I was in college, I guess after attending a neighbouring class program. And I hoped it will be beneficial to whosoever reads this empty blog, because I guess by reading it myself now, the words act as a reminder for me to stay calm and live.

14/3/2015

In recent time, I have encountered countless questions and requests for advice regarding the issue on intentions and also on challenges. To be honest, I don't think I am fit to be asked these kind of question, because like anyone else, I, too, am still struggling in these matters.

Today, I went to a forum conducted by DPIK 6E focusing on a topic regarding challenges, trials and tribulations. The whole forum was beneficial, because most of what was brought up managed to answer some of the said questions above. Matter of fact, it did not only answered those questions, but it brought some peace into my heart that has been aching for a few weeks now.

As we all know, when we were given this life, challenges and trials are to be expected. They are inevitable. Allah SWT created men WITH challenges to face. Like what Ust Fadhluzaman had said in the forum, if a person has no sins then the person should be dead, because perfection is something only Allah possesses. Allah SWT is indeed the Most Gracious, because He created trials and challenges to create and instill perspectives. In other words, when we are tested by His trials, it is an indicator of our Iman (faith). There are only two ways to react to the trials : i) to accept with and be grateful, ii) to take it and sigh of anguish and sorrow. Besides that, (I feel like writing an essay for an English paper now. Le sigh) it is also said by Ust Fadhluzaman that a person whose life has no trials is a life of disgrace.

In the perspective of a counseling student, we are taught to understand the variety of challenges faced by others. No one suffers the same pain, and our responses to problems are different. By engaging and instilling this kind of mentality, we are able to empathize and sympathize others hence the smooth flow of counseling sessions. As interesting as it is, when talking about trials and challenges or problems, counselors, psychologists and psychiatrists faces double the amount of stress and challenges than that of others. Not that others aren't suffering more, but it is just the fact that when we have clients, the clients' problems become our problems as well. So, the equation goes : Own problems + Clients' problems = Work + Life. But, the thing is, since it is our job and professionalism, we never succumbed into the piled up stress of our work.

Back to the topic. In surah al-Baqarah ayat 286, it is stated that we are tested on what we are capable of. Ust Hizbur had presented this long enough to understand the true meaning of the said ayat (phrase). Humans are special. We are created with a working mind and full awareness of our actions, and that makes us different from other beings. We have hearts that knows what we want and we have desires, but even if you say you know yourself well, there is someone else that knows more about us, and that is Allah. Isn't it obvious? He is our Creator, after all. Sometimes we forget about His powers and His capability for simply anything. We sigh in bereavement, in sorrow, blaming ourselves for our misdemeanor, often forgetting that there is always hikmah (lesson) behind everything. We failed in our study even after months of hard work, sacrificing sleep and such. When this happen, we begin to question many things : What wrong did I done? Didn't I do well enough? Now, these questions are questions that we shouldn't be asking, because we are questioning Allah as to why He did it. But instead, look at the failure as a means to work even harder and to be closer to Him. Through failure, we learn to be stronger and soon immunized. Something cliche : There are some things that we like and want may not be something that is good for us. Why not look at it that way, and bring peace into our hearts?

Everything in life has a reason, and so does trials, challenges and problems. Why question something that is so obvious? Why do we insist on complaining when we can accept it wholeheartedly and work our way towards improvement? Patience is the highest action a person can do. Be patient and determine yourself that by being patient, something beautiful will come. It may not be here in this dunya but maybe in Akhirah.

May Allah SWT hugs us in His mercy and always shower us with His never-ending love.

Our Sun.

We all have that one sun in our lives, and I don't mean the Sun that shines bright during the day. What I really mean is the sun that shines through our lives, ushering us forward and giving us hope to stay on. Sometimes we lose that sun, and thus the darkness looms in our life. That vast darkness persist and making us hard to live our lives.

The sun will always shine brightly.

I had many suns when I was growing up. But through all those sun, I lost my biggest sun. What does this sun means to me? Well, this sun was someone who accepted me when others didn't, she was someone who always cared for me and looked for me during my absence. The time I spent with that sun wasn't long, just a mere two years, but losing her was the hardest.

Even after 5 years, I still call out her name and talk to her in my subconscious mind. Understanding that she is no longer near me is painful, but realizing and becoming aware of the reality made her shine brighter and lightening up my life with more colors. You see, during her presence, she made sure I became stronger before she left, and despite leaving without saying goodbye, I still am alive and breathing.

It's November 2015. For 5 years, I have met many other suns, but nothing can compare to that sun I once had. I guess that's why I love the sun and the sky, because it reminds me so much of her. The warmth and glow that it gives soften my heart, and the humid air makes it easier for me to keep on moving. There is no need to be fearful when it becomes dark, because the sun will come back tomorrow, and it will keep on shining.

Those who left us never really left us. They are forever in our hearts. Always.

Graduation Day

Finally an alumni!

On the 10th of September 2015, I finally took my last leap in my diploma days ie my graduation day. Believe me, the road leading me to this success was treacherous and rough, but alhamdulillah, all praises only to Allah, He helped and guided me to make it through even the toughest of storm.

3 years studying for a diploma in counseling was actually hard for me. It is not that I am not interested in the field, because believe me, I would exchange nothing for this opportunity to be able to study (it may not be psychology, but at least it's something very close!) counseling and learn the steps of what my school counselors had gone through. I found the reason why my school counselors behaved like how they were, and slowly, I almost became them. In a good way, you know. A very good way.

During those 3 years of struggling, I did not just suffered physically, having to deal with being sick far away from my family, and whatnot, but I also suffered psychologically. In psychological terms, I almost did not made it through, you know. In that period of 3 years, I had fallen a lot. I did not stumble or stagger, but I fell and went deep inside a dark hole. I was barely able to breathe and believe me, you have no idea how much tears I've shed and how very miserable I felt during my dark days.

I sound depressed; maybe I am, but I survived every step of it. There was one time during my third semester that I suffered a terrible anxiety attack that has caused me to be severely depressed. Those days were not known by anyone, and I feel like I need to share it with the world, because denying that it happened would be only causing pain than relief. I believe that there was a reason to that terrible breakdown. It had caused me to lose interest and focus, and I spent many days isolating myself from my friends and housemates. The thing was, I had made such many wonderful friends at college that despite them not knowing anything, they had given me enough strength to let me get a grip of myself and to continue living. I thank them for that.

After 3 years, I am able to understand the fundamentals of the human psychology, and slowly emphasize myself to becoming, acting and thinking like a counselor. I had changed my perspectives in many things. I was always told that I was a pessimist, and despite I still have some thoughts that aren't good, I am still walking and trying my best to survive each and every day.

I am a counseling diploma graduate, and when others see us learning counseling to counsel others, we are actually learning to define ourselves first. 3 years of studying counseling, 3 years of enduring pain, heartbreak, disappointment, frustration, sadness and joy. 3 years were spent learning and researching about all these emotions. 3 years were spent learning about my flaws, learning the reason why I act the way I act. 3 years were spent soul searching and 3 years were spent awesomely exiting the dark tunnel from the past.

Graduation day isn't only a celebratory event for accomplishing 3 years of studies, but it is also a day of congratulatory for us achieving a new phase of life. A new perspective of life that the old us had never knew existed. Supposedly, these 3 years were years that should be etched and cherished for eternity.

Ah! I am rambling.

Brother. And wife.

Complete.

Almost everyone know how close I am with my brother. I had spent most of my time growing up being with him, always being by his side and looking up to him in many ways. It is not that I am not close with my other siblings, but most of it was actually spent with him.

When I was a little girl, at around the age of 6 or 7, he was the one who taught me how to ride a two-wheeler, abandoning my third wheel. It was the best feeling ever, being able to achieve something for the first time. I remember running to the kitchen and told my mom about it, and went back outside to play with my brother. At that time, we usually go outside to play, me on the bicycle, my brother on his roller blade, and my sister... Well, she was still a baby at the time.

Then, at the age of 9, he brought me into the realms of online gaming. Ah. I remember our first online game, it was Dragon Raja Online. I, as per usual, played the priest while he played thief. And our outside days seem to disappear just like that. Haha. I guess we are geeky brother and sister. Then he introduced me into many other games, like Gates Of Heaven, Knights Online, and so on. We spent most of our time in DRO or in Ragnarok Online.

Sometimes he would just bully me in-game, and sometimes also he denies that I was his little sister while in-game, which is hilarious, to be honest, when I think back about it now. It was ridiculous how much time we spent just with games. He was also the one who introduced comedy, like Whose Line Is It Anyway?, The Big Bang Theory and so on. He introduced many things to me, like his love for music. I remember trying to learn how to play one of his songs on the piano (and I still fail up to this day) and from that moment onward, he would still play the piano, ask me to record for him sometimes, and sometimes just shares videos with me.

Photo credit : The MYTP

Many things I have shared with my one and only brother, and he is irreplaceable by so many means. I sound like an overly-attached little sister, because I am. I don't mean to sound so mushy-mush, but I am not ashamed nor embarrassed of the reality of this, and I could really tell this story any other day, but today is a special day, and I will tell you why.

24th of July 2015.

Today, my brother is successfully a married man. Married to a beautiful and marvelously awesome lady, and thank Allah for granting him the happiness to be married to the woman that he loves dearly. It is remarkably not weird if I didn't get emotional on this very day, because my brother is an awesome man. Despite everything, he is still standing and the same brother that I know and love.

Photo credit : The MYTP

Today my beloved brother will embark onto a new world filled with new responsibilities and today he is no longer a single man. He now has a wife that loves him dearly, and a new set of family. With his solemnization ended just now, he now is a husband, but forever he will be my brother. A brother that I look up to, a brother for me to love and care. And to top it off, this brother of mine introduced a new wonderful person into our lives, and now I am able to call her my beloved sister-in-law. A person who had successfully brought happiness and contentment into my brother's life. And with that said, praise to Allah for this moment. For all the moments.

Congratulations, abang! And welcome to the family, kak Sue!

We all love you both a lot, and your happiness means a lot to us. May Allah bless and shower your marriage with grace and love, and may your love of each other bounds together to go hand in hand towards Jannah. I love you both, and I really mean it.

Sincerely,

your overly-attached little sister.

Book review : Gone For Good

Gone For Good - Harlan Coben

Title : Gone For Good

Author : Harlan Coben

Edition : Paperback

No. of pages : 383

Goodreads rating : 4.09 out of 5

My rating : 4 out of 5

Book synopsis :

Will Klein lost his brother and the love of his life on the same day. Eleven years ago, Will's ex-girlfriend was found brutally murdered. The prime suspect : Will's brother, Ken. With overwhelming evidence against him, Ken disappeared and his family believed he was gone for good.

Over a decade later, Will is still convinced of his brother's innocence. And when the new woman in his life disappears, Will is pulled into a dark and violent mystery. He can feel himself coming closer and closer to a terrible secret, a secret someone will do anything to keep buried. And, as the lies begin to unravel, Will uncovers startling truths about his lover, his brother and even himself...

My review :

When I first picked up this book, I had expected it to be like any other crime-based book : There's going to be an obvious protagonist, an obvious antagonist and an obvious crime and story-line. I had expected reflection from either the protagonist or the antagonist, but this book went beyond my expectations. In fact, it made me pace my room with excitement and anticipation.

"He's alive."

Those were her exact words. And if they were true, I didn't know if it would be a good thing or bad.

Harlan Coben is indeed the King of plot twist, and indeed, this book really is worth its wonderful reviews from people. With every turn of events, I held my breath and my mind was filled with many expectations, but Coben wonderfully created a plot that I can never in my right mind can think of. This book focuses on Will Klein and the mysteries of his past that involves his brother, Ken Klein.

A decade passed, and Will is still certain of the innocence of his brother, until his current girlfriend was also murdered. (Sorry, a small spoiler.) To be painstakingly honest, I never really had a closure for the bond of Julie Miller and the Ghost. I was a little bit disappointed on the method of revelation towards the ending of the book for I had expected some more action-filled revelation kind of thing. (I am a fan of action filled stuff, you know.)

But then again, this book really did challenged me in my knowledge of psychology and criminology. I had tried to really involve many kind of theory, practicing my own understanding, but I had failed in many ways for this book. I understand that the Ghost is, well, like his name due to his upbringing, but the plot twist made me speechless and just gasp in awe at the magnificent way Coben led the plot. It is challenging indeed!

What made me really love this book was when Will found a really crucial evidence from the Julie Miller's case. From then on I began to change my perspective about many characters. Judging my own judgements, and in the end, the character that I had despised from the beginning began to change into my favourite character.

WORK!

So, here's an update from my life!

It's my second week of work, and boy, it feels different from my practicum days.

My current job is something far from counseling, but it's a start. I guess.

Honestly speaking, I am feeling impatient somehow with my job. Maybe it differed so much from counseling or teaching that it made me feel like crying. Yes, I did hope I got a job in the field of education or administration, but Allah has written that life would go in this path for me.

My job description would be to assist my employer and help with sales. I also help out with a few tests and assessments and stuff like that. It's completely new for me, and to be honest, I don't feel like I am being beneficial. The only downside at the moment would be I find it hard to find the correct time to stop and pray or to even find a decent spot to pray, since the pantry room is always packed with stuff (Yes, the company is still brand new!).

Maybe I'm just being too impatient at the moment. I should really learn to hold it all in and be stronger! I still miss teaching, though, so I might consider teaching tuition. I should start looking for some teaching jobs, since I do not know when will I start to further my studies.

Keep on smiling, lovelies!

Speaking of furthering my studies, I should start applying to some universities now, but I am completely blank on which. I am still considering whether to continue with counseling, or pursue in psychology. I even considered going into education, like Teaching English as a Second Language (TESL) or maybe go into Counseling (Education). I also had thought about furthering into the realms of linguistics.

Ah. I have many things to sort in my life, don't I?

But, I won't quit. Never.

I still believe that I can be a clinical psychologist. Let's hope for the best and ask from Allah!

Everything comes from Him, and to Him we shall return! Happy grin.

And PS : It's almost the end of Ramadhan. Time flies so fast, doesn't it? And also, my convocation day is getting near! Smiles.