The love of my life

It's 27 April, and it's my mom's birthday! Yay!

You know the best thing about my mom?

She's just filled with pure awesomeness. She is by far the strongest person I've ever seen, and whenever I'm with her, I feel the safest. Me and my mom wasn't that close when I was growing up, but now she's my best friend, my partner in crime, my cooking teacher and my everything.

Those are cliches, I know, but the truth will always be the same.

I know that things aren't that nice on our current road now, but she endured everything and still stay peaceful and calm. I envy that.

Ah, words aren't enough to describe my love for her, but still, today, happy birthday, mom! I love you forever!

Hello, old life.

Alhamdulillah, I am finally back in Kuching. Hello, old life.

I don't sound excited, don't I?

But, to be honest, I am. It's just that, sometimes I too fear of what lies ahead for me. I am a person, and I find it normal to feel that way. What's not normal, you may ask?

Well, I find it not normal to fret on it excessively. After 3 years in Melaka, and after spending it with people who are carefree, happy and exciting, I've learned that life is to be cherished as a whole. Not only that Allah has created many beautiful things in life, Allah has created us, the more beautiful creatures.

The reason why I do not sound excited, well.. There are many reasons.

1) I am far away from my classmates and friends. It is true that I have childhood friends, but somehow my new batch of friends had been the one with me through ups and the downs of my life for the past 3 years. I do blame myself for the distance and gaps created between me and my old friends, but somehow, there's something different in my college friends that I can not put words into it.

2) I had never expected diploma days to end so quickly, to be honest. When I was in second year, I remembered a time where I wanted to end my diploma quick, and I guess I got my wish. But, now that it is over, somehow it is hard for me to believe nor to accept it. Kubler-Ross Model of Grief, ey? Stage one : Denial. Maybe I am just grieving over the fact that there will never be another time where I can be a diploma student again. I am denying the fact that my diploma phase of life had ended. I just need time.

Now, the main reason would be, I am welcoming back my old life.

But, the difference now would be, I am living my old life in a new self. It is as though like an awakening. Going through a past-life, and experiencing it in a new way. In a new perspective. To be honest, it is scary. Because you see, though you have said that you had forgiven yourself for your past wrongdoings, are you even certain that it won't haunt you back?

As for me, many things had haunted me ever since I landed in Kuching. Getting on the flight was excruciatingly numb for me, but once I landed, only then the realization of what's prone to happen struck me. I've been convincing myself that I will do okay and awesome once I get back my old life, but now that I really am back, somehow the ghost of the past is still here.

Maybe I'm just still grieving over the loss and passing of my diploma days. I do understand that I need time to readjust and re-adapt myself to my old surroundings. Familiarizing myself with its changes, and what is still there.

Last day of college - favorite outfit

Despite having those fears and anxieties, I also can understand that I am not like how I was before. Rather than to still mope and be sappy about it, I'd rather choose to look beyond it now. To try and learn to accept it and move on. Nothing is ever easy, but with practice and consistency, I know I can get through it well. I've survived it once, and it got me to where I am now, so why can't I do it again?

Hello, old life.

I am Mardyati 2.0. It is nice to meet and greet you again.

It is true I am still fearful and cautious about what's in the past, but now I am ready for the future.

And what's more awesome, you ask? I am ready for the now.

# I am not afraid to speak up about my anxieties, my fears and my endeavors. Because, you know, ever since I studied counseling and some basic psychology, I've learned the reason behind all my behaviors, all my anxieties, my fears, my emotions. I've learned to understand how the brain works. And I, for once, am willing to make a public notice and statement, that I too have intense anxiety. That is the reason for this blog in the first place. To tell people that whatever they are going through, others are going through it too.

This writing place of mine acts as a log, a journal of my encounters. Of my endeavors. Of my journey. Un libro de mi vida. A book of my life.

Counseling Diploma, Group C, Batch 2012.

Diploma in Counseling, Group C 2012

Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah, the Almighty.

Last paper for semester 6 finally ended today. After weeks, months, years of struggling, today also marks the day my diploma days end. It had been a wonderful 3 years for me, that I can not and will never lie. Time flies so fast when you're having fun, doesn't it?

Throughout the 3 years, I've not only learned the fundamentals of psychology and counseling, but also about life, about how I am learning to view life in a whole new perspective. Just last week, after my second paper, my class decided to spend 2 days and 1 night together at Port Dickson and cherish the last moments together. It was the best memory ever and not to mention, sad.

We had this session where we would play games after dinner and then everyone was asked to freely say whatever they have to say about the whole class and the whole of their 3 years endeavor in college. It was sad, yet calm. For all I can say, I had never regretted any parts of my 3 years journey. Never will.

My classmates and friends had always told me and reminded me of how I was when I was in first year. How timid and shy. And some had even told me how I've changed throughout the years. In a better way, that is. And though I may not feel like it, but that's how others had viewed and analyzed me. I guess, when thinking back about it, I can say maybe they are right.

People had always told me that I was too quiet, too timid, scared of people, but my fear decreased a bit after 3 years. I can feel okay being in a group of people that I don't know and not fear of feeling awkward or out of place. Reminds me of social phobia, or social anxiety. I have my days of panics and anxiety, but they are brought to ease when my classmates and friends still accepted me despite how I differ from them in many ways.

I had always adored my classmates and friends. They taught me to be carefree, loving and most importantly, they taught me to really and sincerely smile. They brought warmth to my heart, and whenever I am with them, my heart flutters in excitement. Now that we are going to be separated, my heart holds this very stabbing pain that always manage to squeeze out a tear or two when dealt with.

But, the thing is, I always believe that separation will always happen, sooner or later. The parting will be tough, but no matter, life still have to move on. It still moves forward, and whether I like it or not, I need to still hold hand in hand with life. Hard as it may seem, I will always know and believe that if I still try to remember, they will always be in my hearts.

"Distance is just a physical barrier. Through the distance, we create and instil trust and strengthening our love. By doing this, our bond becomes even more special and we cherish every single second of separation. Holding it until one day we will meet each other again. Our hearts begin to learn to wait for their arrival.

20 April 2015 - Till we meet again

True.
We do not know when, but patiently we still wait and believe.

Because if we do not meet again in this world, there is hope that we will meet there. In Jannah.
Holding hand in hand, and no matter what, there will no longer be separation between us..."

Invisibility.

It is a nuisance, I tell myself day after day. It's a struggle every day for me, and though I am at the edge of the line, I still hold on to the ground and not jumping off the edge. Telling people is just a nuisance.

Some of us needs more strength to get up...

I am curled up on my bed, blanket over my shoulder, hunched with a cup of coffee in my hands while watching the outside world through my bedroom window. I see cars passing by... One, two, three... And the count goes on. It's really a distraction, but it's still not enough of a distraction. I hear footsteps downstairs. Must be dad going to the kitchen. I sigh and heave, getting the thought away from my mind.

The outside world seems empty now that I'm grown up. Jobless, and somehow lonely... Lonely. Such a bold word to use, but that's just how it is. I always take it as solitude. A state of tranquility by being alone, they say. Sublimation at its best. The road is quite empty now. This neighborhood isn't as lively as how it used to be a few years back, as though it understands the bitterness of my life. It's soothing to think about it that way. My phone vibrates and a message pops up : Downstairs. 30 minutes, I'll be waiting! - Mia

I sigh and push away the blankets from my shoulders. I put my cup of coffee on my clustered desk, and begin to stretch as if I've been doing some heavy lifting and my muscles tense. My shoulders begin to lower themselves as though some heavy burdens are on them. I look myself in the mirror, not liking the way I look and so I smiled at myself, applauding my own accomplishment of faking a true smile. It reminds me of a sentence in a recent book that I read :
'She placed her finger against the cool glass of the mirror and traced the reflection of her nose, eyes and mouth. She stared at the image in front of her, the face of a sad lady trapped inside the mirror who needed to practise her smile. Kathryn was unable to decide which the real image was. Was it the flat, cool face that stared back at her or the bewildered, lonely mask from behind which she viewed the world? Withdrawing her hand,she realised that it didn't matter. The flat-featured woman that stared blankly from the glass and the veiled lids through which she saw were one and the same.'
I sigh again as I remember those very lines while practicing to smile in front of the mirror.

Everything is the same, and yet they say time will change things. How does it?, I ask myself as I walk to the door. I pause and turn to look at my bedroom, ceiling and all. Silence. Just the whirr of the fan, decreasing the humidity of my already packed and tiny bedroom. This isn't my bedroom though. It was my brother's, but since he moved out, I thought it would be a waste to not use it as mine.

My will to go out of the bedroom died at the sight of my silent bedroom. I ended crouching and sitting at my door and inevitably tears start to roll down my cheeks. I don't sob, though, but I let the tears roll on their own, not resisting the emotions from rising. Loneliness is normal for me. I grew up without really having anyone that cared enough to understand that I am a human, thus began the name 'Loner Taa'. I have no idea where the 'Taa' came from, but I swallowed them anyway.

I mustn't remember, I mustn't, I breathe heavily at myself, trying to calm my beating heart. The thing is, no matter how much time I spent away from home, like in this case, I spent 3 years away for my studies, the memories really stay. I close my eyes, take a deep breath and I stay still. Clearly trying to calm myself.

It's an irony, really. I'm a psychology major student, but I am struggling to fight my own demons. It is a huge irony that I wake up every day groaning, asking myself why is the sun still shining... You see, no one ever cared enough to listen, so I keep it to myself. It is a huge struggle, to not end my life. To not give in to the voices in my head.

I stand up, wiped away my tears, grab my jacket and finally, with my eyes closed and after heaving a huge breath, I open the door, head downstairs and greet my best friend who had been waiting for me for the last 30 minutes, waiting for me to change. I smile as though nothing had happened, and hug her, happy to see her, but deep inside, all I ever want is to not exist in her life anymore..

You see, despite wanting to disappear, I still want to live...

-----------------------------------

The story I just shared is fictional. I made them up, but with references from some previous sessions with a few of my clients during my practicum days. I try to put myself into their shoes and merging them together with my own situation, and somehow I can relate to them a way or two.

It's funny, you know. When someone presents and displays signs of depression, we shun them away. We tell them that they're ridiculous and/or that it's just a phase and it'll pass. You see, they struggled waking up every day and they summed up all their courage to confide in us, but in the end, we belittle them. In the end, they begin keeping things to themselves, and cluster all their strength to not show their pain anymore.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here, but this is all I have to say.

Never again the same

I don't know if I am allowed to sigh or to rant, but I still vent. It is not a matter of hatred or anger, but it is a matter of wanting time to adjust, to accept, to really feel okay about it. How cliche it may be, but that is the truth now : I need time to be okay about it.

Have you ever felt pain and longing at the same time? Feel pain when seeing someone, and yet we long to talk like how it used to be? It is a dilemma, a conflict that no one can ever understand fully unless they are in such situation themselves. That was how I was tonight. Friendship is never easy, but the rough patches are very worth the journey.

I saw someone who meant a lot in my life before. We lived together, we joked together, we shared insights together, but somehow, after what had happened recently, things began to change. I don't think there's a need of details here, but I just want to say that, not everything in life will remain happy or good. Some things change, some things don't. Either for the better or for the worse.

The thing is, I don't know why tonight affected me so much and it brought me into a phase of anger and guilt over my own actions. I know I had promised myself to not type or post something like this, but tonight, I feel like I must post stuff like this. Why? Because I want people to understand that I, too, know and understand about heartbreak, disappointment and guilt. Everyone suffers it. No one is excluded.

The thing now is, how do we deal with it?
In my situation, it is very complicated, but I still choose to (try) deal with it. When anger and guilt collide, it can cause depression and anxiety. This isn't good, you see. Because, these things can be avoided, but why do we not choose to? That's the thing, the irony about people : We hate pain, but we love gaining sympathy from the pain.

Now, how to deal with painful endeavors like this?

1) Do not hate the person. True, what had happened between you and the person was tough, and it may end your friendship, but never hate the person. If the person had wronged you, don't hate them, but hate only the wrong that he did to you. We aren't flawless. We are born to make mistakes and learn from it, so accept that everyone makes mistake.
2) Learn to accept flaws. Like I said, no one is perfect. Mistakes and life go hand-in-hand. They are not separated. They are codependent. What we can do is to accept that everyone have mistakes, everyone can also learn from these mistakes.
3) FORGIVE. People usually tell me that forgiving is easier said than done. I won't disagree with this. It is hard, but force yourself. Try imagining you as the person. Wouldn't you want the person to forgive you too? So, forgive them, even if it is sometimes your own fault too. Because sometimes our ego won't let us admit our mistakes, so forgive others for theirs and our ego will understand that we too make mistakes.
4) Love the person. The thing is about us, when we are angry or when a person hurt us, we tend to hate or dislike the person. Mainly because our heart was stomped, teared and ripped apart. We often ignore and cast these people out of our lives because we can't bear to have them in our lives anymore. The pain they had given us was much unbearable to the point that  we wish they don't exist. No. This is really not the way. In surah al-Balad ayat 17-18, Allah SWT has said that we should always promote patience and be compassionate. Love the person, and your heart will be at peace. Hatred only brings harm to your heart.

To be honest, typing this out makes me feel a bit calm and content. Writing always help me to remember the things that I should do in certain events. I am still a human. I always forget and get too immersed in my own emotions until I am blinded by them. And so, I thank Allah SWT for giving me the feel the need to write tonight. It acts as a reminder for me on what to do.

That writing!

Here's a quick info about me : I've been blogging ever since 2008, and this blog is my 10th blog.

Shocking, isn't it?

And it's not about lack of commitment, but it was really a lack of ideas and confidence. Another quick info : I used to have a blog that I had to delete because it brought harm to my emotional health and personal life.

Again, shocking.

But, despite the terrible endeavors I had endured throughout the years, alhamdulillah, I am still committed and engaged in keeping this blog. I grew up alongside blogging, and that had brought me relief more than it brought me harm. People had advised me to stay away from the internet and the world of blogging, but I stayed nonetheless.

I thank my English teacher for introducing me into the world of blogging. Without her, I won't enjoy writing like how I enjoy it now. Though at the time, I was just 14 and blogging was just a way to express myself. To think back about it, it is actually quite funny. Through the years, I've examined my writing momentum, and it doesn't look that good.

It did helped me with my writing skills and helped me improve on my English. But now, I think I might focus blogging and writing about my bibliophile journey and my encounters in life. I have missions and goals to achieve.

In fact, I might start blogging about book and movie reviews, since I'm good at that. Like they say, pursue your passion with great will and grow from there. Who knows, when I am good in communicating in Spanish, I might begin writing in Spanish. Speaking of which, I already started reviewing books this month! Remember THIS post? Oy vay!

Adios y hasta luego!

Little sister

If people were to ask me who do I look up to, I would always say : My little sister.

It is weird that when others give out names of scholars, names of people who had achieved global success, names of their country's idols and so on, but I will always say that I look up to my little sister. I know it is supposed the other way around, but if I were to compare myself with her, she had achieved a higher level of satisfaction in life than I did when I was her age.

She's currently a 16 year old, and if you were to ask me, I would always say that I am proud of my little sister. I remember the times when I was 16. Unlike her, I saw no light in my life, but my little sister? Well, she found her passion, and showed great determination to achieve her goals. It is true that sometimes she's a pain in the back, but that's how little sisters are. They're a pain, but you still love them anyway.

My little sister is a popular girl, you know. Loved by many, and cared by many. Whenever she's not there, people would always ask of her. I am not jealous of this one bit, to be honest. In fact, I am glad of this, because through this way, she will never get lonely and always be acknowledged and needed by others. That's how I always imagined my little sister to live her life.

She's still young, I know, but I know and believe that she'll grow up to be far better than me. I always believed in that, but my sisterly ego always work to hide that from her knowing. You know what makes me look up to her? Her strength to keep moving, and her determination. I had always envied that about her. Despite the problems and obstacles she had faced in her life being separated from us, she had showed us a deep meaning of strength and determination. She had been the sun, the light that shined my life.

Little does she know, I had always cared for her from afar. My mind is always playing thoughts about whether she has eaten, drank, is she sick, how are her studies, and so on. Being far away from her had brought upon many anxieties, but my anxiousness always come to an ease whenever I think of her. Despite having these questions in mind, I know my answer would always bring tranquility to my heart. My little sister is a strong warrior. Able to take up any hit without falling. Who will always get back up and keep walking. And for every little reasons, bad or good, I will always love her.

Today is 12th March.

Right - Kecik, Left - Me

16 years ago on this date, a little girl was born. I remember those days before she was brought into this world. I was excited, because I had always wanted a little sister to play with. When my mom brought her into the world, I was the happiest person ever. I remember growing up with her. It is true, she annoyed and pissed me off many times, but all little sisters are like that. In fact, the more annoying and pestering she gets, the stronger my love for her. Whenever I feel like giving up, I will always remember my little sister and how she survived everything alone. That memory always gives me enough strength to keep moving too.

Happy 16th birthday to my little sister, Marlynni.

You're annoying, pestering, always pissing me off, and constantly making me want to strangle you, or kick you, or slap you, or punch you, or whatever, but without all those, my love and compassion towards you won't grow. My sisterly ego will never tell you this in person, but I will always love you, Kecik. (And yes, despite being taller than me, I will always call you Kecik. Get over it!) Smiles.

Book review : What Have I Done?

What Have I Done? - Amanda Prowse

Title : What Have I Done?

Author : Amanda Prowse
Edition : Paperback
No. of pages : 323
Goodreads rating : 3.72 out of 5

My rating : 4 out of 5

Book synopsis :
Would you destroy your family to save your children?

Kathryn Brooker seems the very picture of a fulfilled wife and mother. Anyone who peered through the downstairs window at the four figures sitting around her kitchen table would see a happy family without a care in the world. They would envy Kathryn her perfect life.

But they would be wrong. Kathryn is trapped in a nightmare. And she is about to do something to change it. Something only a truly desperate woman would do...

My review :
As someone who is pursuing counseling for a diploma, I am very much satisfied when I read this book. The book tells the story of Kathryn who had lived the majority of her married life in silence, her freedom taken away. The book began with Kathryn calling the police to report a murder, which was a murder she had committed. During interrogation, Kathryn seem to show no remorse over what she had done, thus she have to serve years of imprisonment.

"I will gather up all the little pieces that you have chipped away, hidden in drawers, swept under the carpet and shoved behind cushions and I will rebuild myself. I will become all of the things that I thought I might. All the dreams I considered before you broke me, I will chase them all."

But unlike other inmates, Kathryn took her imprisonment as a tranquility pill that she had longed desired and hoped for. She now teaches literature while serving her time and is able to read to her heart's content; She was free from her years of pain. But despite all that freedom, she suffers only one pain after what she had done : the pain of losing her children. Her children reacted in ways I think is natural for children, because they are forced to make decisions whether to choose one or the other and to them, it seems unfair. So, in the end, only anger remains and the guilt and pain follows them into adulthood.

This book is a marvelous book. It shows the strength and courage of every mother, and what it takes to save herself and her children. They always put her children first, despite having to destroy themselves. Children seldom understand the sacrifice mothers always take, but in the end, they will always be their mother. The road to recovery was stated and portrayed excellently in the book, with real emotions put into it.

I do not recommend this book to those who are suffering severe depression or have a high tendency to suicide, because of its content, but unless the person is trying to heal and finding it hard to find anyone who understands, I would definitely recommend this book. The writer had carved deep emotions and feelings of this book, that I did not just read the story of Kathryn, but I was Kathryn throughout the whole book.