Hello, old life.

Alhamdulillah, I am finally back in Kuching. Hello, old life.

I don't sound excited, don't I?

But, to be honest, I am. It's just that, sometimes I too fear of what lies ahead for me. I am a person, and I find it normal to feel that way. What's not normal, you may ask?

Well, I find it not normal to fret on it excessively. After 3 years in Melaka, and after spending it with people who are carefree, happy and exciting, I've learned that life is to be cherished as a whole. Not only that Allah has created many beautiful things in life, Allah has created us, the more beautiful creatures.

The reason why I do not sound excited, well.. There are many reasons.

1) I am far away from my classmates and friends. It is true that I have childhood friends, but somehow my new batch of friends had been the one with me through ups and the downs of my life for the past 3 years. I do blame myself for the distance and gaps created between me and my old friends, but somehow, there's something different in my college friends that I can not put words into it.

2) I had never expected diploma days to end so quickly, to be honest. When I was in second year, I remembered a time where I wanted to end my diploma quick, and I guess I got my wish. But, now that it is over, somehow it is hard for me to believe nor to accept it. Kubler-Ross Model of Grief, ey? Stage one : Denial. Maybe I am just grieving over the fact that there will never be another time where I can be a diploma student again. I am denying the fact that my diploma phase of life had ended. I just need time.

Now, the main reason would be, I am welcoming back my old life.

But, the difference now would be, I am living my old life in a new self. It is as though like an awakening. Going through a past-life, and experiencing it in a new way. In a new perspective. To be honest, it is scary. Because you see, though you have said that you had forgiven yourself for your past wrongdoings, are you even certain that it won't haunt you back?

As for me, many things had haunted me ever since I landed in Kuching. Getting on the flight was excruciatingly numb for me, but once I landed, only then the realization of what's prone to happen struck me. I've been convincing myself that I will do okay and awesome once I get back my old life, but now that I really am back, somehow the ghost of the past is still here.

Maybe I'm just still grieving over the loss and passing of my diploma days. I do understand that I need time to readjust and re-adapt myself to my old surroundings. Familiarizing myself with its changes, and what is still there.

Last day of college - favorite outfit

Despite having those fears and anxieties, I also can understand that I am not like how I was before. Rather than to still mope and be sappy about it, I'd rather choose to look beyond it now. To try and learn to accept it and move on. Nothing is ever easy, but with practice and consistency, I know I can get through it well. I've survived it once, and it got me to where I am now, so why can't I do it again?

Hello, old life.

I am Mardyati 2.0. It is nice to meet and greet you again.

It is true I am still fearful and cautious about what's in the past, but now I am ready for the future.

And what's more awesome, you ask? I am ready for the now.

# I am not afraid to speak up about my anxieties, my fears and my endeavors. Because, you know, ever since I studied counseling and some basic psychology, I've learned the reason behind all my behaviors, all my anxieties, my fears, my emotions. I've learned to understand how the brain works. And I, for once, am willing to make a public notice and statement, that I too have intense anxiety. That is the reason for this blog in the first place. To tell people that whatever they are going through, others are going through it too.

This writing place of mine acts as a log, a journal of my encounters. Of my endeavors. Of my journey. Un libro de mi vida. A book of my life.