I don't know if I am allowed to sigh or to rant, but I still vent. It is not a matter of hatred or anger, but it is a matter of wanting time to adjust, to accept, to really feel okay about it. How cliche it may be, but that is the truth now : I need time to be okay about it.
Have you ever felt pain and longing at the same time? Feel pain when seeing someone, and yet we long to talk like how it used to be? It is a dilemma, a conflict that no one can ever understand fully unless they are in such situation themselves. That was how I was tonight. Friendship is never easy, but the rough patches are very worth the journey.
I saw someone who meant a lot in my life before. We lived together, we joked together, we shared insights together, but somehow, after what had happened recently, things began to change. I don't think there's a need of details here, but I just want to say that, not everything in life will remain happy or good. Some things change, some things don't. Either for the better or for the worse.
The thing is, I don't know why tonight affected me so much and it brought me into a phase of anger and guilt over my own actions. I know I had promised myself to not type or post something like this, but tonight, I feel like I must post stuff like this. Why? Because I want people to understand that I, too, know and understand about heartbreak, disappointment and guilt. Everyone suffers it. No one is excluded.
The thing now is, how do we deal with it?
In my situation, it is very complicated, but I still choose to (try) deal with it. When anger and guilt collide, it can cause depression and anxiety. This isn't good, you see. Because, these things can be avoided, but why do we not choose to? That's the thing, the irony about people : We hate pain, but we love gaining sympathy from the pain.
Now, how to deal with painful endeavors like this?
Have you ever felt pain and longing at the same time? Feel pain when seeing someone, and yet we long to talk like how it used to be? It is a dilemma, a conflict that no one can ever understand fully unless they are in such situation themselves. That was how I was tonight. Friendship is never easy, but the rough patches are very worth the journey.
I saw someone who meant a lot in my life before. We lived together, we joked together, we shared insights together, but somehow, after what had happened recently, things began to change. I don't think there's a need of details here, but I just want to say that, not everything in life will remain happy or good. Some things change, some things don't. Either for the better or for the worse.
The thing is, I don't know why tonight affected me so much and it brought me into a phase of anger and guilt over my own actions. I know I had promised myself to not type or post something like this, but tonight, I feel like I must post stuff like this. Why? Because I want people to understand that I, too, know and understand about heartbreak, disappointment and guilt. Everyone suffers it. No one is excluded.
The thing now is, how do we deal with it?
In my situation, it is very complicated, but I still choose to (try) deal with it. When anger and guilt collide, it can cause depression and anxiety. This isn't good, you see. Because, these things can be avoided, but why do we not choose to? That's the thing, the irony about people : We hate pain, but we love gaining sympathy from the pain.
Now, how to deal with painful endeavors like this?
1) Do not hate the person. True, what had happened between you and the person was tough, and it may end your friendship, but never hate the person. If the person had wronged you, don't hate them, but hate only the wrong that he did to you. We aren't flawless. We are born to make mistakes and learn from it, so accept that everyone makes mistake.
2) Learn to accept flaws. Like I said, no one is perfect. Mistakes and life go hand-in-hand. They are not separated. They are codependent. What we can do is to accept that everyone have mistakes, everyone can also learn from these mistakes.
3) FORGIVE. People usually tell me that forgiving is easier said than done. I won't disagree with this. It is hard, but force yourself. Try imagining you as the person. Wouldn't you want the person to forgive you too? So, forgive them, even if it is sometimes your own fault too. Because sometimes our ego won't let us admit our mistakes, so forgive others for theirs and our ego will understand that we too make mistakes.
4) Love the person. The thing is about us, when we are angry or when a person hurt us, we tend to hate or dislike the person. Mainly because our heart was stomped, teared and ripped apart. We often ignore and cast these people out of our lives because we can't bear to have them in our lives anymore. The pain they had given us was much unbearable to the point that we wish they don't exist. No. This is really not the way. In surah al-Balad ayat 17-18, Allah SWT has said that we should always promote patience and be compassionate. Love the person, and your heart will be at peace. Hatred only brings harm to your heart.
To be honest, typing this out makes me feel a bit calm and content. Writing always help me to remember the things that I should do in certain events. I am still a human. I always forget and get too immersed in my own emotions until I am blinded by them. And so, I thank Allah SWT for giving me the feel the need to write tonight. It acts as a reminder for me on what to do.
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