From heart to heart, for love shall prevail.

I will put it here for everyone to see, because I think it is time for me to face the truth and reality that I am not a perfect person, though I try to be, but in face, I am just a broken person, picking up the pieces and learning how to not break again.

I had always wanted to quit life many times in my 22 years, so much in fact, I did harmful things, reckless things. I hated life, for life had given me tonnes, acres of shits to face. I also hated life for the hatred people had of the existence of emotions. For when I told people I wanted to die, they did not believed that I would die, and despite I did not die, I still felt hurt that they didn't even care enough to really stop me from thinking about it.

I had faced hatred from a teacher, who told other students that I (and also a friend) were far terrible than H1N1, that we were bile humans, only tempting her patience and test her faith. I can remember them clearly. I can never forget those tormenting years. YEARS of silent treatment, YEARS of not being understood. YEARS of having my family's dignity kicked upon. YEARS of having to endure stupid remarks people had on me, and YEARS of having to cry about it alone. I had only a few friends, and I am thankful that I had them, and still have them, for without them, I would be only a corpse today. And only memories of me living a sad life would remain.

I can never forget the pain that I had suffered. Because this year is the year that all those events struck me hard in the head, and my brain had been functioning quite terribly in the emotion sector. I had had enough to be reminded of those years.

Today I will speak from heart to heart, for I love my family, broken as it is.
Broken is such a terrible word, but rather I see them whole but separated. Why still whole despite my parents' divorce? WHOLE because we are still talking to each other despite the hardships.

I have to do this today, because I don't want to stay inside the closet anymore. I want to be able to talk about this openly now. I am indeed haunted by the memories of my past. Haunted, as in, very haunted. I am spook just by the mere memory of it. I shiver in fear and anger. And I want that to end today. Especially now that I am going to pursue psychology as a major.

Yes, I am now a psychology major student. And I have to fully acknowledge that even a future psychologist feels pain.

I had wished my young sibling to understand that, it was because of her that I chose to keep on breathing. It was because I wanted her to live with me one day, and not make her feel alone anymore. For I had missed her every day without her knowing it. For I had kept my dreams alive because I wanted her to see me as a potential friend too. For I want to make her happy.

And since today I still fail to do so, I will not stop trying. If only she could see.
And the only way for her to see it if she ever reads this.
I doubt she will.

I will never forget the struggle I had encountered before.
Never.
Because you are my sun, sis.
Always my sun.

Book review : The Danish Girl

The Danish Girl - David Ebershoff

Title : The Danish Girl

Author : David Ebershoff

Edition : Paperback (Movie cover)

No. of pages : 310

Goodreads rating : 3.7 out of 5.

My rating : 4 out of 5.

Book synopsis :

It starts with a question, a simple favour asked by a wife of her husband, setting off a transformation neither can anticipate.

Einar Wegener and his American wife Greta Waud have been married for six years, but are yet to have a child. Both painters, they live a life of bohemian languor in Copenhagen until one day their lives are irreversibly altered. The Danish Girl eloquently shows the intimacy that defines a marriage and the nearly forgotten story of the love between a man who discovered that he is, in fact, a woman, and his wife who would sacrifice anything for him.

Set against the glitz, and decadence of 1920s Copenhagen, Paris and Dresden, and inspired by a true story, The Danish Girl is about one of the most passionate and unusual marriages of the twentieth century.

My review :
I've been reading this book to no end. Bought it together with my sister just because we saw the movie trailer. My expectations of it were only a basis from snippets of the trailer, since it is about the psychology and the physical progression of a transgender. I had always wanted to understand them, the way they feel, how their minds work, and believe me, the book made me change my views towards them.

The book settled in Copenhagen in the early 1920s, where Einar Wegener and his American wife, Greta Waud were living in Widow House (as the called it). They were both painters, in which Einar paints landscapes mostly of his life growing up in the bog of Bluetooth, and Greta usually settles for painting portraits of people. I had never once knew that just by a simple request made by Greta that the story begins to set sail into an understanding that I only manage to only observe and not devour.

Lili (soon known as Lili Elbe) was made into a third person by both Einar and Greta. When Greta thought it would always remain as a game, Einar knew that it was something more than just. While reading this book, I began to understand the transition made by Einar, initially judging his personality, but then progressing into me understanding everything about how and why the movement. It took many events that had led Einar to fully convince that he was actually a woman and not a man.

And I think it all began when Greta asked him for a simple favor : fill in the spot for Anna (her model) when she cancelled. After that one simple favor, Greta and Einar has been treating Lili as a third person, only to find out that Einar truly believes that both Einar and Lili can be summoned in and out of the subconscious. This, ultimately led Einar's health to deteriorate and Lili stayed more and more. It is as though Lili has conquered most of Einar, and in the end, Einar was gone forever.

Greta was confronted with a great conflict, and had showed a great tolerance and a show of pure love when she helped her husband into his transition. Before Einar, Greta was married to Teddy Cross who in the end died after a battle with TB. They had a child who died at birth, but even when she was married to Teddy, she had shown great dedication, tolerance and love towards the man she married. I find Greta's character simply mesmerizing in terms of her psyche, and in terms of her sense of humanity.

Throughout the book, I've been very keen in writing most of the details and progression of the book. But, the book is just basically a story revolving only Einar, Greta and Lili. Throughout the book, I even referred to DSM-V and some medical websites to understand about Einar and Lili, which led me to love the book even more.

The book ended with some hints of what will happen to Lili. Even acknowledging the circumstances and her future, Lili had never once regretted her decision.

2016

Happy New Year, everyone!

I celebrated new year in Australia this year, Alhamdulillah. The firework display was fantastic in Taree, and I couldn't be any more thankful, any more grateful for the life that I have now! In fact, I wouldn't exchange it for anything in the world.

 

2015 as a whole has been quite a ride.

I survived college life, and ended my diploma days beautifully.

I attended graduation day with the friends that I love unconditionally.

I went to my first job interview, and succeed in getting a job.

There was a beautiful addition to our family; my brother got married to a wonderful lady.

I was given the chance to go to Vietnam and explore it with my mom and little sister.

I expanded my passion of arts, crafts and books, and along the way, I met new people.

And just last month, I flew to Australia, and voila! Here I am now!

 

I had promised myself to see life as a beautiful thing last year, and that I had achieved. I succeed, and I had never felt so accomplished before. Maybe because before all my goals were unrealistic. I have so many little things to appreciate and thankful in 2015, that I am even more thankful and grateful that the little things I can bring into 2016.

 

Personally, I don't like waiting for a new year to come, because to me, it is just like any other day. Fireworks are common, people wishing a happy new year is common, but personally, that's really not my cup of tea. But that doesn't mean that I am rejecting the idea, no. I find it to be something positive to do that.

 

Back to summarizing my 2015.

For the past years, I have met many new people. Shockingly for me, I succeeded in making friends. NEW friends, to be precise! I had never imagined that I survived until now. Socially, I was always awkward and the odd one out, but the discovery of the counseling world has changed me, maybe not wholly, but a part of me has changed. In 2015, I was confronted by the things that I have changed into. I was constantly reminded just how much I've changed.

 

I don't really like to be reminded, but somehow 2015 was a year that I grew to like the reminders. It gave me hope. It brought light into my life. It gave me a new breath. 2015 has taught me that being broken, being hurt, being in pain doesn't entirely mean that life is ending. Some of the pain simply means that life is starting.

 

So yeah, 2015 was wonderful with its ups and downs.

 

Heads up, 2016. I am walking with you stronger than the past years.

Let's try to love each other, 2016!

A lesson in(of) friendship.

Friendship is a common topic of discussion, and so I am committing myself to that trend, to the commonality. A friend is simply defined as a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual and family relations. (This definition I simply googled, and simply because it fits.)

Through experience, growing up wasn't much interesting for me, especially my fallout sessions with many (and the majority) of my friends were a huge part of my life. Through adolescence, I had learned that friendships are just merely words and never should be taken seriously. My experience of friendship back then had destroyed my beliefs in their beauty, and though I admit that I do have friends (best friends, even) now, the past experiences had never ceased from my conscious mind. It is those occurrences that had shaped my perspectives and beliefs of the cruelty of friendships.

But then I entered college, and only then I had learned the meaning of such friendship that many has eagerly share and be thankful of. In fact, I thank Allah for sending me into college especially after what I had gone through during middle school.

Etched in my memory. - 2015

I learned the power of friendship through many people when I was in college, but most of the time, it would only be just for these two people. Yes, I dedicate this post for them, because without them, I wouldn't be happy and content with the friends I have now. Through them I had learned the true meaning of through ups and downs, and because they had taught me so much about the mesmerizing effects of friendship, I dedicate this specially for them.

They are two ladies that I met during a program, when we were in our first year. And for 3 years, I've observed keenly of their activities, silently smiling whenever I see them together and with others. They are different from the others, I had always thought to myself. Greatly different. They complete each other like I had never seen anyone else complete others.

What amazed me of their bond was they were like sisters from birth. The other understands what the other party is going through. And they only just met in college. I then began to question myself about my beliefs and perceptions of friendship. For as long as I can remember, to me, friendship isn't something that anyone should take seriously. Serious precautions should be taken, but not to be taken seriously. Because to me before, friendship is just a way to manipulate and discriminate people with false hopes and promises. But these two ladies had proven me wrong within just a year.

I have watched them, observed them, analyzed them, and the more I do it, the more I begin to love them. The thought of having them separated, whether it between themselves or from me, makes me sad, but in the end, that sadness grew into strength. Why? Because of these two ladies, I grew stronger day after day. It was the very first time I had felt the warmth that people had always talked about. I find them too special and too precious to be hurt.

You know the biggest lesson that these two taught me? The power to breathe and be a friend. I had never thought that I am able to make friends during my first two semesters of college, but then I began being close with these two. Little do they know, I had longed admired them for their abilities, for their capabilities. I can never get enough of them. I once lost my sun, but I found two suns that gave me the warmth and light after a long period of darkness and frosty days.

These two ladies are amazing. To me, they are diamonds in my life. Hard to find, and very precious. I always quote myself with my own advice : Distance is only a physical barrier, but I know, deep inside, our hearts beat as one. And you know, I find myself becoming illiterate when trying to describe them. Words failed me, because their actions do speak louder. (And truth be told, I grew overly-attached to them without them realizing it. There! Secrets out!)

Dear M & F,

thank you for existing in my life. Thank you for showering me with rainbows, smiles, laughter, tears, and especially love. Thank you for showing me how life matters. Thank you for bringing back my long-lost smile. Thank you for injecting me with the strength that I needed to move on. Thank you for accepting me and my flaws. Thank you for putting up with my personality. Thank you for the lessons. Thank you for showing me how friendship works. Thank you for everything. And I thank Allah always for bumping into you guys in life. The two of you are a gift and a hug from Allah to me. The two of you are Allah's blessings that I can never stop being thankful for.

May Allah bless you and shower you with His love and grace. (Hugs)

Reoccurring resolutions

It is December, and I thought I might talk about one yearly resolution that I've been putting off for many years, which is learning Spanish. Sweats,

 

To talk about failed resolution would be underrated in this post, because this resolution has been in my list for quite a number of years already. In actuality, the only reason it failed was simply because I would come up with a quantity of excuses and quit before I even given it a full month's try.

 

There is something about the language, though. I had always loved Spanish since I was young, but I got the enthusiasm and lust when I started learning basic Mandarin when I was 14 (which was years ago!). But even then, I had never been good in acquiring language skills. Up until now, the only language that I can speak beautifully and smoothly would be English and Malay, which is quite common.

 

Even back when I was in college, the Arabic language was a compulsory subject, and even then, I was able to only grasp the MOST fundamental of the language. Spanish, however, has been a yearly resolution for me. It started back in 2012. But all I acquire is failure.

 

The thing about this failure is that, I am not at all disappointed about it. In fact, I am grateful for this yearly failure. It reminds me just how much I am procrastinating, it reminds me of what I'm lacking, which is effort. And more irony in that, even though I am aware of the problem, I still fail.

 

Maybe one day, I will be able to speak the languages.

Maybe that is why I've made this post.

To add salt to my own injury.

 

Sweats.

Lessons in lectures.

I wrote this, or typed it, when I was in college, I guess after attending a neighbouring class program. And I hoped it will be beneficial to whosoever reads this empty blog, because I guess by reading it myself now, the words act as a reminder for me to stay calm and live.

14/3/2015

In recent time, I have encountered countless questions and requests for advice regarding the issue on intentions and also on challenges. To be honest, I don't think I am fit to be asked these kind of question, because like anyone else, I, too, am still struggling in these matters.

Today, I went to a forum conducted by DPIK 6E focusing on a topic regarding challenges, trials and tribulations. The whole forum was beneficial, because most of what was brought up managed to answer some of the said questions above. Matter of fact, it did not only answered those questions, but it brought some peace into my heart that has been aching for a few weeks now.

As we all know, when we were given this life, challenges and trials are to be expected. They are inevitable. Allah SWT created men WITH challenges to face. Like what Ust Fadhluzaman had said in the forum, if a person has no sins then the person should be dead, because perfection is something only Allah possesses. Allah SWT is indeed the Most Gracious, because He created trials and challenges to create and instill perspectives. In other words, when we are tested by His trials, it is an indicator of our Iman (faith). There are only two ways to react to the trials : i) to accept with and be grateful, ii) to take it and sigh of anguish and sorrow. Besides that, (I feel like writing an essay for an English paper now. Le sigh) it is also said by Ust Fadhluzaman that a person whose life has no trials is a life of disgrace.

In the perspective of a counseling student, we are taught to understand the variety of challenges faced by others. No one suffers the same pain, and our responses to problems are different. By engaging and instilling this kind of mentality, we are able to empathize and sympathize others hence the smooth flow of counseling sessions. As interesting as it is, when talking about trials and challenges or problems, counselors, psychologists and psychiatrists faces double the amount of stress and challenges than that of others. Not that others aren't suffering more, but it is just the fact that when we have clients, the clients' problems become our problems as well. So, the equation goes : Own problems + Clients' problems = Work + Life. But, the thing is, since it is our job and professionalism, we never succumbed into the piled up stress of our work.

Back to the topic. In surah al-Baqarah ayat 286, it is stated that we are tested on what we are capable of. Ust Hizbur had presented this long enough to understand the true meaning of the said ayat (phrase). Humans are special. We are created with a working mind and full awareness of our actions, and that makes us different from other beings. We have hearts that knows what we want and we have desires, but even if you say you know yourself well, there is someone else that knows more about us, and that is Allah. Isn't it obvious? He is our Creator, after all. Sometimes we forget about His powers and His capability for simply anything. We sigh in bereavement, in sorrow, blaming ourselves for our misdemeanor, often forgetting that there is always hikmah (lesson) behind everything. We failed in our study even after months of hard work, sacrificing sleep and such. When this happen, we begin to question many things : What wrong did I done? Didn't I do well enough? Now, these questions are questions that we shouldn't be asking, because we are questioning Allah as to why He did it. But instead, look at the failure as a means to work even harder and to be closer to Him. Through failure, we learn to be stronger and soon immunized. Something cliche : There are some things that we like and want may not be something that is good for us. Why not look at it that way, and bring peace into our hearts?

Everything in life has a reason, and so does trials, challenges and problems. Why question something that is so obvious? Why do we insist on complaining when we can accept it wholeheartedly and work our way towards improvement? Patience is the highest action a person can do. Be patient and determine yourself that by being patient, something beautiful will come. It may not be here in this dunya but maybe in Akhirah.

May Allah SWT hugs us in His mercy and always shower us with His never-ending love.

Our Sun.

We all have that one sun in our lives, and I don't mean the Sun that shines bright during the day. What I really mean is the sun that shines through our lives, ushering us forward and giving us hope to stay on. Sometimes we lose that sun, and thus the darkness looms in our life. That vast darkness persist and making us hard to live our lives.

The sun will always shine brightly.

I had many suns when I was growing up. But through all those sun, I lost my biggest sun. What does this sun means to me? Well, this sun was someone who accepted me when others didn't, she was someone who always cared for me and looked for me during my absence. The time I spent with that sun wasn't long, just a mere two years, but losing her was the hardest.

Even after 5 years, I still call out her name and talk to her in my subconscious mind. Understanding that she is no longer near me is painful, but realizing and becoming aware of the reality made her shine brighter and lightening up my life with more colors. You see, during her presence, she made sure I became stronger before she left, and despite leaving without saying goodbye, I still am alive and breathing.

It's November 2015. For 5 years, I have met many other suns, but nothing can compare to that sun I once had. I guess that's why I love the sun and the sky, because it reminds me so much of her. The warmth and glow that it gives soften my heart, and the humid air makes it easier for me to keep on moving. There is no need to be fearful when it becomes dark, because the sun will come back tomorrow, and it will keep on shining.

Those who left us never really left us. They are forever in our hearts. Always.

Graduation Day

Finally an alumni!

On the 10th of September 2015, I finally took my last leap in my diploma days ie my graduation day. Believe me, the road leading me to this success was treacherous and rough, but alhamdulillah, all praises only to Allah, He helped and guided me to make it through even the toughest of storm.

3 years studying for a diploma in counseling was actually hard for me. It is not that I am not interested in the field, because believe me, I would exchange nothing for this opportunity to be able to study (it may not be psychology, but at least it's something very close!) counseling and learn the steps of what my school counselors had gone through. I found the reason why my school counselors behaved like how they were, and slowly, I almost became them. In a good way, you know. A very good way.

During those 3 years of struggling, I did not just suffered physically, having to deal with being sick far away from my family, and whatnot, but I also suffered psychologically. In psychological terms, I almost did not made it through, you know. In that period of 3 years, I had fallen a lot. I did not stumble or stagger, but I fell and went deep inside a dark hole. I was barely able to breathe and believe me, you have no idea how much tears I've shed and how very miserable I felt during my dark days.

I sound depressed; maybe I am, but I survived every step of it. There was one time during my third semester that I suffered a terrible anxiety attack that has caused me to be severely depressed. Those days were not known by anyone, and I feel like I need to share it with the world, because denying that it happened would be only causing pain than relief. I believe that there was a reason to that terrible breakdown. It had caused me to lose interest and focus, and I spent many days isolating myself from my friends and housemates. The thing was, I had made such many wonderful friends at college that despite them not knowing anything, they had given me enough strength to let me get a grip of myself and to continue living. I thank them for that.

After 3 years, I am able to understand the fundamentals of the human psychology, and slowly emphasize myself to becoming, acting and thinking like a counselor. I had changed my perspectives in many things. I was always told that I was a pessimist, and despite I still have some thoughts that aren't good, I am still walking and trying my best to survive each and every day.

I am a counseling diploma graduate, and when others see us learning counseling to counsel others, we are actually learning to define ourselves first. 3 years of studying counseling, 3 years of enduring pain, heartbreak, disappointment, frustration, sadness and joy. 3 years were spent learning and researching about all these emotions. 3 years were spent learning about my flaws, learning the reason why I act the way I act. 3 years were spent soul searching and 3 years were spent awesomely exiting the dark tunnel from the past.

Graduation day isn't only a celebratory event for accomplishing 3 years of studies, but it is also a day of congratulatory for us achieving a new phase of life. A new perspective of life that the old us had never knew existed. Supposedly, these 3 years were years that should be etched and cherished for eternity.

Ah! I am rambling.