Some randomness

You know how life manage to screw you up in many ways?

Well, that's how it is for me, each and every single day. Life is playing around with me. My brain and heart keeps playing a weird beat, like as if it's on a really long and exhausting roller coaster ride. There are times where happy days stay, and I would feel elevated throughout the whole day, but there are also days where darkness and dark clouds surrounds me and I feel demotivated to no end. It's funny though, because I somehow feel like as if I am a teenager trying to figure out what is wrong with the world and what is wrong with myself.

Little do people know, though, that even as a young adult as I am now, I am still looking for my one and true identity. Many people seems to find that weird, but probably because most of them had never experienced what I am currently facing. Then again, I don't think anyone is experiencing what I am experiencing (well, not anyone that I know that is!).

My adolescent days were also spent searching and digging, but up until now, I am still unable to figure out the outcome. I found no clues, I found no evidence of anything existing within the ground of my own personality. Even if I take a gazillion personality tests, I know that there is something missing somewhere.

I've always admired and praise the personality questionnaire that we usually use during college ie Junior's Personality Questionnaire. It divides personality into 4 temperaments and categorize each 2 in either the introvert section or the extrovert section. I've done the questionnaire to other people many times, and most of the time my (so-called) clients always lands on the sanguine personality. I always admired people who lands on sanguine, because they always accept it immediately as their personality. And reading about their temperament makes me giddy and all smiles, because I had always wanted to be like one of them.

Now, the thing about temperaments is that it can be affected by our current life. Like, for instance, the first time my friend took the questionnaire, she got sanguine, and then a few months after that, while going through a huge life crisis, she got melancholic. So, basically, I never recommend anyone to take the questionnaire during their lowest or highest point in life.

Back to the main topic.

Like I said, even if I take a gazillion tests, I would always question myself more and more. It's like walking and living life without knowing who you are and what are your purposes.

It's also like looking in a mirror and not see your reflection.

I guess I need to keep on looking and digging...

It'll turn up sooner or later...