The love of my life

It's 27 April, and it's my mom's birthday! Yay!

You know the best thing about my mom?

She's just filled with pure awesomeness. She is by far the strongest person I've ever seen, and whenever I'm with her, I feel the safest. Me and my mom wasn't that close when I was growing up, but now she's my best friend, my partner in crime, my cooking teacher and my everything.

Those are cliches, I know, but the truth will always be the same.

I know that things aren't that nice on our current road now, but she endured everything and still stay peaceful and calm. I envy that.

Ah, words aren't enough to describe my love for her, but still, today, happy birthday, mom! I love you forever!

Hello, old life.

Alhamdulillah, I am finally back in Kuching. Hello, old life.

I don't sound excited, don't I?

But, to be honest, I am. It's just that, sometimes I too fear of what lies ahead for me. I am a person, and I find it normal to feel that way. What's not normal, you may ask?

Well, I find it not normal to fret on it excessively. After 3 years in Melaka, and after spending it with people who are carefree, happy and exciting, I've learned that life is to be cherished as a whole. Not only that Allah has created many beautiful things in life, Allah has created us, the more beautiful creatures.

The reason why I do not sound excited, well.. There are many reasons.

1) I am far away from my classmates and friends. It is true that I have childhood friends, but somehow my new batch of friends had been the one with me through ups and the downs of my life for the past 3 years. I do blame myself for the distance and gaps created between me and my old friends, but somehow, there's something different in my college friends that I can not put words into it.

2) I had never expected diploma days to end so quickly, to be honest. When I was in second year, I remembered a time where I wanted to end my diploma quick, and I guess I got my wish. But, now that it is over, somehow it is hard for me to believe nor to accept it. Kubler-Ross Model of Grief, ey? Stage one : Denial. Maybe I am just grieving over the fact that there will never be another time where I can be a diploma student again. I am denying the fact that my diploma phase of life had ended. I just need time.

Now, the main reason would be, I am welcoming back my old life.

But, the difference now would be, I am living my old life in a new self. It is as though like an awakening. Going through a past-life, and experiencing it in a new way. In a new perspective. To be honest, it is scary. Because you see, though you have said that you had forgiven yourself for your past wrongdoings, are you even certain that it won't haunt you back?

As for me, many things had haunted me ever since I landed in Kuching. Getting on the flight was excruciatingly numb for me, but once I landed, only then the realization of what's prone to happen struck me. I've been convincing myself that I will do okay and awesome once I get back my old life, but now that I really am back, somehow the ghost of the past is still here.

Maybe I'm just still grieving over the loss and passing of my diploma days. I do understand that I need time to readjust and re-adapt myself to my old surroundings. Familiarizing myself with its changes, and what is still there.

Last day of college - favorite outfit

Despite having those fears and anxieties, I also can understand that I am not like how I was before. Rather than to still mope and be sappy about it, I'd rather choose to look beyond it now. To try and learn to accept it and move on. Nothing is ever easy, but with practice and consistency, I know I can get through it well. I've survived it once, and it got me to where I am now, so why can't I do it again?

Hello, old life.

I am Mardyati 2.0. It is nice to meet and greet you again.

It is true I am still fearful and cautious about what's in the past, but now I am ready for the future.

And what's more awesome, you ask? I am ready for the now.

# I am not afraid to speak up about my anxieties, my fears and my endeavors. Because, you know, ever since I studied counseling and some basic psychology, I've learned the reason behind all my behaviors, all my anxieties, my fears, my emotions. I've learned to understand how the brain works. And I, for once, am willing to make a public notice and statement, that I too have intense anxiety. That is the reason for this blog in the first place. To tell people that whatever they are going through, others are going through it too.

This writing place of mine acts as a log, a journal of my encounters. Of my endeavors. Of my journey. Un libro de mi vida. A book of my life.

Counseling Diploma, Group C, Batch 2012.

Diploma in Counseling, Group C 2012

Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah, the Almighty.

Last paper for semester 6 finally ended today. After weeks, months, years of struggling, today also marks the day my diploma days end. It had been a wonderful 3 years for me, that I can not and will never lie. Time flies so fast when you're having fun, doesn't it?

Throughout the 3 years, I've not only learned the fundamentals of psychology and counseling, but also about life, about how I am learning to view life in a whole new perspective. Just last week, after my second paper, my class decided to spend 2 days and 1 night together at Port Dickson and cherish the last moments together. It was the best memory ever and not to mention, sad.

We had this session where we would play games after dinner and then everyone was asked to freely say whatever they have to say about the whole class and the whole of their 3 years endeavor in college. It was sad, yet calm. For all I can say, I had never regretted any parts of my 3 years journey. Never will.

My classmates and friends had always told me and reminded me of how I was when I was in first year. How timid and shy. And some had even told me how I've changed throughout the years. In a better way, that is. And though I may not feel like it, but that's how others had viewed and analyzed me. I guess, when thinking back about it, I can say maybe they are right.

People had always told me that I was too quiet, too timid, scared of people, but my fear decreased a bit after 3 years. I can feel okay being in a group of people that I don't know and not fear of feeling awkward or out of place. Reminds me of social phobia, or social anxiety. I have my days of panics and anxiety, but they are brought to ease when my classmates and friends still accepted me despite how I differ from them in many ways.

I had always adored my classmates and friends. They taught me to be carefree, loving and most importantly, they taught me to really and sincerely smile. They brought warmth to my heart, and whenever I am with them, my heart flutters in excitement. Now that we are going to be separated, my heart holds this very stabbing pain that always manage to squeeze out a tear or two when dealt with.

But, the thing is, I always believe that separation will always happen, sooner or later. The parting will be tough, but no matter, life still have to move on. It still moves forward, and whether I like it or not, I need to still hold hand in hand with life. Hard as it may seem, I will always know and believe that if I still try to remember, they will always be in my hearts.

"Distance is just a physical barrier. Through the distance, we create and instil trust and strengthening our love. By doing this, our bond becomes even more special and we cherish every single second of separation. Holding it until one day we will meet each other again. Our hearts begin to learn to wait for their arrival.

20 April 2015 - Till we meet again

True.
We do not know when, but patiently we still wait and believe.

Because if we do not meet again in this world, there is hope that we will meet there. In Jannah.
Holding hand in hand, and no matter what, there will no longer be separation between us..."

Invisibility.

It is a nuisance, I tell myself day after day. It's a struggle every day for me, and though I am at the edge of the line, I still hold on to the ground and not jumping off the edge. Telling people is just a nuisance.

Some of us needs more strength to get up...

I am curled up on my bed, blanket over my shoulder, hunched with a cup of coffee in my hands while watching the outside world through my bedroom window. I see cars passing by... One, two, three... And the count goes on. It's really a distraction, but it's still not enough of a distraction. I hear footsteps downstairs. Must be dad going to the kitchen. I sigh and heave, getting the thought away from my mind.

The outside world seems empty now that I'm grown up. Jobless, and somehow lonely... Lonely. Such a bold word to use, but that's just how it is. I always take it as solitude. A state of tranquility by being alone, they say. Sublimation at its best. The road is quite empty now. This neighborhood isn't as lively as how it used to be a few years back, as though it understands the bitterness of my life. It's soothing to think about it that way. My phone vibrates and a message pops up : Downstairs. 30 minutes, I'll be waiting! - Mia

I sigh and push away the blankets from my shoulders. I put my cup of coffee on my clustered desk, and begin to stretch as if I've been doing some heavy lifting and my muscles tense. My shoulders begin to lower themselves as though some heavy burdens are on them. I look myself in the mirror, not liking the way I look and so I smiled at myself, applauding my own accomplishment of faking a true smile. It reminds me of a sentence in a recent book that I read :
'She placed her finger against the cool glass of the mirror and traced the reflection of her nose, eyes and mouth. She stared at the image in front of her, the face of a sad lady trapped inside the mirror who needed to practise her smile. Kathryn was unable to decide which the real image was. Was it the flat, cool face that stared back at her or the bewildered, lonely mask from behind which she viewed the world? Withdrawing her hand,she realised that it didn't matter. The flat-featured woman that stared blankly from the glass and the veiled lids through which she saw were one and the same.'
I sigh again as I remember those very lines while practicing to smile in front of the mirror.

Everything is the same, and yet they say time will change things. How does it?, I ask myself as I walk to the door. I pause and turn to look at my bedroom, ceiling and all. Silence. Just the whirr of the fan, decreasing the humidity of my already packed and tiny bedroom. This isn't my bedroom though. It was my brother's, but since he moved out, I thought it would be a waste to not use it as mine.

My will to go out of the bedroom died at the sight of my silent bedroom. I ended crouching and sitting at my door and inevitably tears start to roll down my cheeks. I don't sob, though, but I let the tears roll on their own, not resisting the emotions from rising. Loneliness is normal for me. I grew up without really having anyone that cared enough to understand that I am a human, thus began the name 'Loner Taa'. I have no idea where the 'Taa' came from, but I swallowed them anyway.

I mustn't remember, I mustn't, I breathe heavily at myself, trying to calm my beating heart. The thing is, no matter how much time I spent away from home, like in this case, I spent 3 years away for my studies, the memories really stay. I close my eyes, take a deep breath and I stay still. Clearly trying to calm myself.

It's an irony, really. I'm a psychology major student, but I am struggling to fight my own demons. It is a huge irony that I wake up every day groaning, asking myself why is the sun still shining... You see, no one ever cared enough to listen, so I keep it to myself. It is a huge struggle, to not end my life. To not give in to the voices in my head.

I stand up, wiped away my tears, grab my jacket and finally, with my eyes closed and after heaving a huge breath, I open the door, head downstairs and greet my best friend who had been waiting for me for the last 30 minutes, waiting for me to change. I smile as though nothing had happened, and hug her, happy to see her, but deep inside, all I ever want is to not exist in her life anymore..

You see, despite wanting to disappear, I still want to live...

-----------------------------------

The story I just shared is fictional. I made them up, but with references from some previous sessions with a few of my clients during my practicum days. I try to put myself into their shoes and merging them together with my own situation, and somehow I can relate to them a way or two.

It's funny, you know. When someone presents and displays signs of depression, we shun them away. We tell them that they're ridiculous and/or that it's just a phase and it'll pass. You see, they struggled waking up every day and they summed up all their courage to confide in us, but in the end, we belittle them. In the end, they begin keeping things to themselves, and cluster all their strength to not show their pain anymore.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here, but this is all I have to say.