Never again the same

I don't know if I am allowed to sigh or to rant, but I still vent. It is not a matter of hatred or anger, but it is a matter of wanting time to adjust, to accept, to really feel okay about it. How cliche it may be, but that is the truth now : I need time to be okay about it.

Have you ever felt pain and longing at the same time? Feel pain when seeing someone, and yet we long to talk like how it used to be? It is a dilemma, a conflict that no one can ever understand fully unless they are in such situation themselves. That was how I was tonight. Friendship is never easy, but the rough patches are very worth the journey.

I saw someone who meant a lot in my life before. We lived together, we joked together, we shared insights together, but somehow, after what had happened recently, things began to change. I don't think there's a need of details here, but I just want to say that, not everything in life will remain happy or good. Some things change, some things don't. Either for the better or for the worse.

The thing is, I don't know why tonight affected me so much and it brought me into a phase of anger and guilt over my own actions. I know I had promised myself to not type or post something like this, but tonight, I feel like I must post stuff like this. Why? Because I want people to understand that I, too, know and understand about heartbreak, disappointment and guilt. Everyone suffers it. No one is excluded.

The thing now is, how do we deal with it?
In my situation, it is very complicated, but I still choose to (try) deal with it. When anger and guilt collide, it can cause depression and anxiety. This isn't good, you see. Because, these things can be avoided, but why do we not choose to? That's the thing, the irony about people : We hate pain, but we love gaining sympathy from the pain.

Now, how to deal with painful endeavors like this?

1) Do not hate the person. True, what had happened between you and the person was tough, and it may end your friendship, but never hate the person. If the person had wronged you, don't hate them, but hate only the wrong that he did to you. We aren't flawless. We are born to make mistakes and learn from it, so accept that everyone makes mistake.
2) Learn to accept flaws. Like I said, no one is perfect. Mistakes and life go hand-in-hand. They are not separated. They are codependent. What we can do is to accept that everyone have mistakes, everyone can also learn from these mistakes.
3) FORGIVE. People usually tell me that forgiving is easier said than done. I won't disagree with this. It is hard, but force yourself. Try imagining you as the person. Wouldn't you want the person to forgive you too? So, forgive them, even if it is sometimes your own fault too. Because sometimes our ego won't let us admit our mistakes, so forgive others for theirs and our ego will understand that we too make mistakes.
4) Love the person. The thing is about us, when we are angry or when a person hurt us, we tend to hate or dislike the person. Mainly because our heart was stomped, teared and ripped apart. We often ignore and cast these people out of our lives because we can't bear to have them in our lives anymore. The pain they had given us was much unbearable to the point that  we wish they don't exist. No. This is really not the way. In surah al-Balad ayat 17-18, Allah SWT has said that we should always promote patience and be compassionate. Love the person, and your heart will be at peace. Hatred only brings harm to your heart.

To be honest, typing this out makes me feel a bit calm and content. Writing always help me to remember the things that I should do in certain events. I am still a human. I always forget and get too immersed in my own emotions until I am blinded by them. And so, I thank Allah SWT for giving me the feel the need to write tonight. It acts as a reminder for me on what to do.

That writing!

Here's a quick info about me : I've been blogging ever since 2008, and this blog is my 10th blog.

Shocking, isn't it?

And it's not about lack of commitment, but it was really a lack of ideas and confidence. Another quick info : I used to have a blog that I had to delete because it brought harm to my emotional health and personal life.

Again, shocking.

But, despite the terrible endeavors I had endured throughout the years, alhamdulillah, I am still committed and engaged in keeping this blog. I grew up alongside blogging, and that had brought me relief more than it brought me harm. People had advised me to stay away from the internet and the world of blogging, but I stayed nonetheless.

I thank my English teacher for introducing me into the world of blogging. Without her, I won't enjoy writing like how I enjoy it now. Though at the time, I was just 14 and blogging was just a way to express myself. To think back about it, it is actually quite funny. Through the years, I've examined my writing momentum, and it doesn't look that good.

It did helped me with my writing skills and helped me improve on my English. But now, I think I might focus blogging and writing about my bibliophile journey and my encounters in life. I have missions and goals to achieve.

In fact, I might start blogging about book and movie reviews, since I'm good at that. Like they say, pursue your passion with great will and grow from there. Who knows, when I am good in communicating in Spanish, I might begin writing in Spanish. Speaking of which, I already started reviewing books this month! Remember THIS post? Oy vay!

Adios y hasta luego!

Little sister

If people were to ask me who do I look up to, I would always say : My little sister.

It is weird that when others give out names of scholars, names of people who had achieved global success, names of their country's idols and so on, but I will always say that I look up to my little sister. I know it is supposed the other way around, but if I were to compare myself with her, she had achieved a higher level of satisfaction in life than I did when I was her age.

She's currently a 16 year old, and if you were to ask me, I would always say that I am proud of my little sister. I remember the times when I was 16. Unlike her, I saw no light in my life, but my little sister? Well, she found her passion, and showed great determination to achieve her goals. It is true that sometimes she's a pain in the back, but that's how little sisters are. They're a pain, but you still love them anyway.

My little sister is a popular girl, you know. Loved by many, and cared by many. Whenever she's not there, people would always ask of her. I am not jealous of this one bit, to be honest. In fact, I am glad of this, because through this way, she will never get lonely and always be acknowledged and needed by others. That's how I always imagined my little sister to live her life.

She's still young, I know, but I know and believe that she'll grow up to be far better than me. I always believed in that, but my sisterly ego always work to hide that from her knowing. You know what makes me look up to her? Her strength to keep moving, and her determination. I had always envied that about her. Despite the problems and obstacles she had faced in her life being separated from us, she had showed us a deep meaning of strength and determination. She had been the sun, the light that shined my life.

Little does she know, I had always cared for her from afar. My mind is always playing thoughts about whether she has eaten, drank, is she sick, how are her studies, and so on. Being far away from her had brought upon many anxieties, but my anxiousness always come to an ease whenever I think of her. Despite having these questions in mind, I know my answer would always bring tranquility to my heart. My little sister is a strong warrior. Able to take up any hit without falling. Who will always get back up and keep walking. And for every little reasons, bad or good, I will always love her.

Today is 12th March.

Right - Kecik, Left - Me

16 years ago on this date, a little girl was born. I remember those days before she was brought into this world. I was excited, because I had always wanted a little sister to play with. When my mom brought her into the world, I was the happiest person ever. I remember growing up with her. It is true, she annoyed and pissed me off many times, but all little sisters are like that. In fact, the more annoying and pestering she gets, the stronger my love for her. Whenever I feel like giving up, I will always remember my little sister and how she survived everything alone. That memory always gives me enough strength to keep moving too.

Happy 16th birthday to my little sister, Marlynni.

You're annoying, pestering, always pissing me off, and constantly making me want to strangle you, or kick you, or slap you, or punch you, or whatever, but without all those, my love and compassion towards you won't grow. My sisterly ego will never tell you this in person, but I will always love you, Kecik. (And yes, despite being taller than me, I will always call you Kecik. Get over it!) Smiles.

Book review : What Have I Done?

What Have I Done? - Amanda Prowse

Title : What Have I Done?

Author : Amanda Prowse
Edition : Paperback
No. of pages : 323
Goodreads rating : 3.72 out of 5

My rating : 4 out of 5

Book synopsis :
Would you destroy your family to save your children?

Kathryn Brooker seems the very picture of a fulfilled wife and mother. Anyone who peered through the downstairs window at the four figures sitting around her kitchen table would see a happy family without a care in the world. They would envy Kathryn her perfect life.

But they would be wrong. Kathryn is trapped in a nightmare. And she is about to do something to change it. Something only a truly desperate woman would do...

My review :
As someone who is pursuing counseling for a diploma, I am very much satisfied when I read this book. The book tells the story of Kathryn who had lived the majority of her married life in silence, her freedom taken away. The book began with Kathryn calling the police to report a murder, which was a murder she had committed. During interrogation, Kathryn seem to show no remorse over what she had done, thus she have to serve years of imprisonment.

"I will gather up all the little pieces that you have chipped away, hidden in drawers, swept under the carpet and shoved behind cushions and I will rebuild myself. I will become all of the things that I thought I might. All the dreams I considered before you broke me, I will chase them all."

But unlike other inmates, Kathryn took her imprisonment as a tranquility pill that she had longed desired and hoped for. She now teaches literature while serving her time and is able to read to her heart's content; She was free from her years of pain. But despite all that freedom, she suffers only one pain after what she had done : the pain of losing her children. Her children reacted in ways I think is natural for children, because they are forced to make decisions whether to choose one or the other and to them, it seems unfair. So, in the end, only anger remains and the guilt and pain follows them into adulthood.

This book is a marvelous book. It shows the strength and courage of every mother, and what it takes to save herself and her children. They always put her children first, despite having to destroy themselves. Children seldom understand the sacrifice mothers always take, but in the end, they will always be their mother. The road to recovery was stated and portrayed excellently in the book, with real emotions put into it.

I do not recommend this book to those who are suffering severe depression or have a high tendency to suicide, because of its content, but unless the person is trying to heal and finding it hard to find anyone who understands, I would definitely recommend this book. The writer had carved deep emotions and feelings of this book, that I did not just read the story of Kathryn, but I was Kathryn throughout the whole book.