Counting.

As the days of my diploma period coming to an end, the more insecure my emotions are. I guess it's normal to fret separation, to be anxious about the future, to hate the time in which was used idly... So many things.

But to be honest, after 3 years, I am still pondering about how I can contribute myself to the world.  They say that college life is a phase where we can infiltrate our insecurities and weaknesses thus furthering them and changing them into strengths and improving them. I've seen many faces with a million awesome potentials and great strengths. They had taught me to search and dig deeper within me to find my own potentials and empowering them for the goods of others.

The thing is, the only barrier, the only problem is myself. What's keeping me from achieving my finding of my own potential is myself. If there was something to be blamed for my lack of growth, then the answer would be myself. I've been holding back a lot, still constantly blaming myself of the past. But, being in college had opened my eyes of the real world. That my world wasn't as bad as I thought it was.

Guilt of the past is okay at times, you know. It acts as a reminder that whatever it was, it won't be repeated. That's how you learn, that's how you grow. That guilt helps you to grow and change.

Ah. I am so gonna miss my diploma days. The world really ain't that bad, to be honest. Smiles.

That Fine Line

Just smile,
it will all be fine.
Because all these while,
you still stayed between the line.

Of madness and sane,
you chose to be the same.
People see you as plain,
you know your lion has been tamed.

The heart is bleak,
and yet you smile
hoping your eyes won't speak,
and all looks senile.

The jeers and sneers
of your pain and trial,
but you fought back the tears
and did not forget to smile.

Of that I am sure
that all of this pain,
will be gone in the future
and it will all end.

Be patient and wait
seconds to years,
one day you'll be great
no longer in sorrow tears!

This life you live
it's one of a kind,
you just have to believe
that everything will be just fine...

# This was created when I was in semester 3 or 4. Can't remember. But somehow I felt like posting it, and so, voila! Though I think I need to learn English back. Harhar. (Poker face)

This field : Encounters.

Interact with many people, verily you'll learn a lot. I believe that everyone has their own story, a journey they call theirs, and everyone has a path they wish to walk on and has a purpose for every step they take. That, I always believe. What makes us legitimate to determine other people's path and life choices when in reality our own path is so messed up at times? What makes us think that the power and rights to choose falls in our hands when we can't even make simple decisions for our own lives?

My 6 week practicum period in UiTM has opened my eyes regarding many things. Too many to be counted, and with each passing moment that I was in UiTM I created memorable memories that will last for eternity. There's never an end where I can stop saying or talking about my experiences -- my AWESOME experiences in UiTM because in just a few weeks, I've learned things that I thought I would never learn and too many life lessons were learned. In fact, those experiences never seem to stop its flow of life lessons.

There are times where I begin to think, where am I in 5 years to come? How is my life then? Will I be successful in my field of choice? There also comes a time where I would think about my friends. Often times I begin to think about my family. (And yes, many has told me that I think too much -- too much for my own good! Eheh!) It's not like as if I want to guess or foretold about what's prone to happen in anyone's life, but I had always wanted for them to have the best in everything for their lives, in addition to working the best for their afterlife.

Ever since I'm in this counseling field, I am attracted to the people around me and ever since I'm in this field too, I learned to soften my harden heart who had never learned to love others or to even take pity on them. The lives of the people around me are interesting. Sometimes I wish I can be like them, to be able to continue on smiling despite the pain and hardship they have to go through. I admire them. Their uniqueness never fail to make me smile. And this makes me grateful for the life Allah has given me, with its trials and my own flaws. It reminds me that I am a beautiful soul, living life for a purpose to submit myself to Him and aid humanity into that full realization.

Ah. Allah and His beautiful reminders. Never fail to make me smile just by thinking about it. One day, I know I can achieve the success that I had longed desire. Huge grin.

Lately?

Sometimes I begin to think about who's a friend and who's not, but then, when I think back about it, I really don't want to choose who's a friend and who's not. Because, what I have learned thus far is that I have to treat people as to how I want them to treat me, and to put the needs of others before my own needs. I don't know. It confuses me at times, because living life with this kind of principle had never failed to raise many conflicts in my life regarding my own relationships with others.

Maybe that is why people always say that if I keep my relationship with Allah close and good, then my relationship with others will always be close and good. Maybe this is a way from Allah, maybe this is a reminder from Him to tell me that my relationship with Him isn't like how it used to be. Maybe this is a reminder from Him telling me that I'm straying away from His path, and maybe this is His way of teaching me that I should only be dependent on Him and not His creations.

It's not only about my relationship with people, but it's about the whole of my life. Our iman fluctuates, true, but it is us who determines whether it goes up or it goes down, and it is us who makes it stagnant. And though we are fully aware of this, many of us still chooses to let it be stagnant, saying that it'll go up on its own one day, or it'll go down on its own one day, and when that happens, we'll tell people that it is natural and normal. This is the biggest excuse every single one of us make. The biggest excuse just to make ourselves feel better, but no, my friends, no. This is not the way.

Shouldn't we strive to increase our iman on a daily basis? Shouldn't we work hard to spread the true meaning of Islam on a daily basis? Shouldn't we strive to be the best on a daily basis? We should, and this is the kind of spirituality that we need. Allah had never been far away from us, never. Not even a nanosecond. He is always there, and yet, knowing the truth about that, we still work ourselves to distant from Him.

Ah. I guess we are all still striving. Grin. May Allah bless us and aid us in our little endevours.