I will put it here for everyone to see, because I think it is time for me to face the truth and reality that I am not a perfect person, though I try to be, but in face, I am just a broken person, picking up the pieces and learning how to not break again.
I had always wanted to quit life many times in my 22 years, so much in fact, I did harmful things, reckless things. I hated life, for life had given me tonnes, acres of shits to face. I also hated life for the hatred people had of the existence of emotions. For when I told people I wanted to die, they did not believed that I would die, and despite I did not die, I still felt hurt that they didn't even care enough to really stop me from thinking about it.
I had faced hatred from a teacher, who told other students that I (and also a friend) were far terrible than H1N1, that we were bile humans, only tempting her patience and test her faith. I can remember them clearly. I can never forget those tormenting years. YEARS of silent treatment, YEARS of not being understood. YEARS of having my family's dignity kicked upon. YEARS of having to endure stupid remarks people had on me, and YEARS of having to cry about it alone. I had only a few friends, and I am thankful that I had them, and still have them, for without them, I would be only a corpse today. And only memories of me living a sad life would remain.
I can never forget the pain that I had suffered. Because this year is the year that all those events struck me hard in the head, and my brain had been functioning quite terribly in the emotion sector. I had had enough to be reminded of those years.
Today I will speak from heart to heart, for I love my family, broken as it is.
Broken is such a terrible word, but rather I see them whole but separated. Why still whole despite my parents' divorce? WHOLE because we are still talking to each other despite the hardships.
I have to do this today, because I don't want to stay inside the closet anymore. I want to be able to talk about this openly now. I am indeed haunted by the memories of my past. Haunted, as in, very haunted. I am spook just by the mere memory of it. I shiver in fear and anger. And I want that to end today. Especially now that I am going to pursue psychology as a major.
Yes, I am now a psychology major student. And I have to fully acknowledge that even a future psychologist feels pain.
I had wished my young sibling to understand that, it was because of her that I chose to keep on breathing. It was because I wanted her to live with me one day, and not make her feel alone anymore. For I had missed her every day without her knowing it. For I had kept my dreams alive because I wanted her to see me as a potential friend too. For I want to make her happy.
And since today I still fail to do so, I will not stop trying. If only she could see.
And the only way for her to see it if she ever reads this.
I doubt she will.
I will never forget the struggle I had encountered before.
Never.
Because you are my sun, sis.
Always my sun.
I had always wanted to quit life many times in my 22 years, so much in fact, I did harmful things, reckless things. I hated life, for life had given me tonnes, acres of shits to face. I also hated life for the hatred people had of the existence of emotions. For when I told people I wanted to die, they did not believed that I would die, and despite I did not die, I still felt hurt that they didn't even care enough to really stop me from thinking about it.
I had faced hatred from a teacher, who told other students that I (and also a friend) were far terrible than H1N1, that we were bile humans, only tempting her patience and test her faith. I can remember them clearly. I can never forget those tormenting years. YEARS of silent treatment, YEARS of not being understood. YEARS of having my family's dignity kicked upon. YEARS of having to endure stupid remarks people had on me, and YEARS of having to cry about it alone. I had only a few friends, and I am thankful that I had them, and still have them, for without them, I would be only a corpse today. And only memories of me living a sad life would remain.
I can never forget the pain that I had suffered. Because this year is the year that all those events struck me hard in the head, and my brain had been functioning quite terribly in the emotion sector. I had had enough to be reminded of those years.
Today I will speak from heart to heart, for I love my family, broken as it is.
Broken is such a terrible word, but rather I see them whole but separated. Why still whole despite my parents' divorce? WHOLE because we are still talking to each other despite the hardships.
I have to do this today, because I don't want to stay inside the closet anymore. I want to be able to talk about this openly now. I am indeed haunted by the memories of my past. Haunted, as in, very haunted. I am spook just by the mere memory of it. I shiver in fear and anger. And I want that to end today. Especially now that I am going to pursue psychology as a major.
Yes, I am now a psychology major student. And I have to fully acknowledge that even a future psychologist feels pain.
I had wished my young sibling to understand that, it was because of her that I chose to keep on breathing. It was because I wanted her to live with me one day, and not make her feel alone anymore. For I had missed her every day without her knowing it. For I had kept my dreams alive because I wanted her to see me as a potential friend too. For I want to make her happy.
And since today I still fail to do so, I will not stop trying. If only she could see.
And the only way for her to see it if she ever reads this.
I doubt she will.
I will never forget the struggle I had encountered before.
Never.
Because you are my sun, sis.
Always my sun.
